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Why I fear commitment

30 December 2015, 12:00 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - You need to be in love with yourself and your life in order for you to understand the fear of commitment. You will never understand it as long as you do not get the first sentence.

I am talking marriage or long-term commitments not flings. I was talking to one of my friends the other day, a man, not a woman and we went through school, University, together. It has been a year since he has been in a relationship and I have been without.  We got to talking about the relationship I was in throughout the whole Campus life and it surprised him that it had been that serious. It was one of those relationships you get out of high school, you are in and it just became one of those; go to school, finish, get a job, we then get married and start our life together. But it never actually worked out because I finally realized I had been young, naïve and actually stupid then until life happened and I realized I needed more out of myself other than what I had lied to myself I needed. I sort of grew up and it could have never worked because he loved the girl I had been than the women I had grown up to be. So we parted.

My friend was worried because he does not understand why I am not rushing or worrying because I have no man and I am getting older. The only way I could make him understand was by speaking in man-speak so I said I had a lot of dating around to catch up on, five years worth of it in fact! (But not quite in the same words)From that one sentence he understood that I have a fear of commitment and because I am a perfectionist, it will be really hard to get me to the altar. For some of us, marriage is life. We do not go into it already thinking how it is going to fail and end up in a divorce.

When you have such a principle ingrained in your head, it gets pretty difficult to just jump into something with anyone for the sake of it or just because. I m not saying marriage is perfect but I am saying that we want it to work with the right person. You want to go through it all with someone you can laugh with at the end of the day or someone you can turn to when you are miserable. There is nothing worse than going into it and having regrets at the end of the day because that is time, you also have children and that is a part of your life that you are sharing. Can you imagine how miserable you will get when you realize it was all never worth it?

That is the difference between men and most women. Men rarely change any parts of their lives but they go on as they would have but the woman changes her life to be suitable to the man. Take out the man and she becomes a wreck. That should tell you if you actually really loved yourself or your life because something that you really love, you would never give up on for the sake of someone else. You just learn to give where you should and not compromise where you can. You learn what is important when you realize what is not important to you and the one you choose to spend that time with. Commitment is not a bad thing but committing the right way is the only way you will get what you want from your liaisons.

Someone will tell you fear of commitment is a vice. They will tell you fear of commitment is a sign of immaturity but the way I see it, immaturity is when you rush into something to prove you are mature. Maturity is when you can see that this person is not for you, you let them know. It is when you are not ready for commitment until you accomplish some goals. Picture this; they tell you have a family because you are now a man or woman not a boy or girl. Your job can barely take care of your bills; you start a family and push back what would have taken care of them if you had just waited. Well, wasn’t that a dumb decision?

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Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

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