Why are you competing for his mother’s time?
26 June 2016, 14:40
Nairobi - A mother is a mother. She cannot be replaced with a wife. She has a very special place in a husband’s life just like the wife does. Their positions in the husband’s heart are definitive to him and efforts to swap, alter or overlap can only be futile.
This is in particular of a man who has strong connection with his mother. He loves her so much and can spend an hour or more on phone with her. He can visit him every weekend and as the wife you have little chance to divert his attention.
And so you resort to tantrums, questioning his priorities, devotion and commitment to you and his family.
It is a very delicate situation when the mother-in-law is the main cause of a problem in a disagreement. This is his mother and you cannot change the fact. You cannot even break the bond.
The best you can do to avoid stressing yourself over his unbreakable love for his mother is first accepting their son-mother relationship.
Secondly, draw the line between you as the wife and her as his mother. Define your role and part in his life and let him know that.
Men naturally behold a rather irritating ego and always want to safeguard it.In this case, he would want to reaffirm that he is the head of the home and knows who comes first in his life.
It is therefore important to make him understand that you became one body when he married you and your place in his life should come first just like he does in your life. You create some kind of consensus without creating conflicts.
Avoid arguments such as “why are you going to see your mother when you should be spending time with us”. That is just creating conflicts without finding a solution. It is better you make him feel and see how his wife and children need him more than his mother.
Agree with him on the schedule of visiting his mother. You can accompany him too. Have an understanding on communication with the mother such that it does not interfere with your personal arrangements. There should be some deliberate negotiations. Third parties in marriage can create some unbearable collisions which only two people-husband and wife-can address. And the mother-in-law can be one of them.
Just don’t compete with her, let her be the mother-in-law and you the wife, your husband married. That way, you will be free from endless efforts to capture your husband’s attention when you shouldn’t.
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