There is nothing wrong with enjoying your marriage first before getting children
04 October 2016, 19:25
Nairobi - Most couples do not get to do this,
especially in an African society because the apparent norm is that
marriage = kids.
There is this ideology that marriage is only for procreation and
nothing else such as companionship and friendship or partnership. As soon as
you are married, people expect you to be trying to reproduce within the first
year otherwise, something is wrong. How about we just want to take our time? And
I guess that is a contributing factor as to why a lot of marriages are now
distorted and do not make sense.
That is why for most it is like, we have
had the kids, case closed, what else do you want from me?
I say, enjoy your marriage first. Build the
trust, build the friendship, be more comfortable as husband and wife and enjoy
that. You will understand each other better that way. Boyfriend/ girlfriend
relationships are way different as compared to husband/ wife relationships.
After kids, you do not get to rewind the
time and say I wish we could have. Kids are 18+ years of your marriage if you
have never looked at it that way.
This is why after the first child,
relationships change between the couple because they did not expect how the
child would affect them. Soon enough the understanding boyfriend wants to get
away from the tired new mum who is boring and smells like milk instead of
helping her- you never built that partnership in the first place. You thought
that it is just a child, then the second and third is here.
You never even noticed your sex life going
away. Which is a major contributing factor to why couples drift apart. One is
feeling less affectionate, the other is feeling rejected. Kids contribute to
this because a new mother is never going to be in the mood immediately; she
will suffer post-partum and if her husband is not understanding that this is
not the usual her, he will choose to misunderstand her. The man instead of
helping will choose to go to the bar because the wife is no longer fun and
amazing. Then you ruin it by rushing to baby number two- you never even notice
it. No one understands the other and why what is wrong is wrong. Soon you are
forty and don’t understand why you got married. See!
First, build your marriage, enjoy just
being together then have the kids. That would be my advice to any new young
married couple or new engaged couple about to be married. Enjoy it for a year,
two or three even if you have the time then have kids.
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