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Should your friends speak to your man?

08 February 2016, 15:46 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - ‘Marriage has never been likened to a bed of roses and if someone does say so, they are liars. Marriage is a whole rosebush though; very thick with thorns and leaves and stems then a rose here and there. The roses take a lot of hard and they are usually the first to wither. That is what I would liken to marriage-the whole rosebush with a flower here or there depending on the season!

As time goes by or how you started it, you realize that you are not in it alone. There are other people whom you marry as well when you choose a certain spouse. Maybe because you realized the amount of influence that person has with your spouse or how much more respectful your partner is with them when spoken to. There is nothing bad with seeking outside counsel or help when you hit a rock but how you go about it wand what you go asking about is what matters.  You can turn a bad situation into worse or bad into better.

Watch what you are going to speak about

Sex, impotence, E.D, low libido or sex drive are not things you go and shame someone, your spouse in another person’s eyes. These are things best discussed with a doctor, not the one you sit in an armchair for an hour with, just a doctor who will have a solution for you. I have never thought hanging yourself out there like that is a good look no matter who it is you are speaking to. That is when there is an argument maybe between your sister and husband and you hear your sister say something like, that is why you can’t blah, blah, blah..!’ She has just ruined your marriage by letting him know you talk about him with her like that. Sexual matters are handled in and if you have never been able to do that with your partner, you married the wrong person.

Using a person of influence in their life to twist their arm into a decision

For example, their mother, a father or uncle or aunt; so you want to be engaged, married, have more kids or change of careers because that is what you think will benefit your family. You talk to them but they do not budge and they explain things to you. They came to you and talked to you but they did not want anyone else to know about the situation. Because you do not like their answer, you go hanging their personal business to people he or she did not want to know about that. They sit and listen to all that advise and you think you have won. What you have done is destroyed trust and honesty in the relationship. The next time they have something, they will never let you know about it. You start complaining later on how they never let you in. You forget that you were part of the process of ruining it for the both of you. So watch whom you go to, to force your spouse’s hand when they have told you their decision.

Because you are mad at your spouse, you use you kids to go send them a message

If you have made it a habit, you need to stop. Never bring kids into your drama, they did not ask you to marry whom you chose to marry. At times you send them with a sensitive topic or you start getting angry from the jumbled up responses they bring back or can’t remember and you shout at them as if you are right. You are wrong for using them as a go between; it is none of their business. Send each other text messages if you want and if you don’t have credit; write each other letters to send from one room to the next.

Seeking advice from people you know your spouse does not approve of

It matters because the minute you bring them to solve a conflict, you have already lost since you started with that negativity. You would rather even ask them their person of choice and if you also don’t like them, compromise. If you and your partner cannot compromise, you married the wrong people.

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Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

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