My mother in-law hates me
18 April 2016, 21:04
Nairobi - I was watching a husband, a wife and the mother-in-law
(mother to husband) at a baby shower yesterday. The mother-in-law had picked
the perfect time to have one of her
arguments on why she still does not like the woman.
The woman is already pregnant with your first grandchild;
you need to get over it at this point.
The wife had done the amicable and ‘bigger’ person thing and
allowed her husband to invite the mother to the baby shower. Just for once, she
thought, it is not about me, or her but my child. Let me invite her and she
will see it the same way. Nice on her part but in the end it seemed foolhardy.
The mother-in-law decides to have fully fledged argument, in the midst of the
event, with the guests looking on as to why this lady is the reason her son is
not paying her attention anymore, does not mind her or her needs-the usual and
why she thinks the women will not make a good wife or mother. She is already
pregnant, like, the time to make that argument has passed. The pregnant wife
tries to defend herself and tell her in most cases she has actually stepped in
to help her son to sort her out, the man tells her to shut up. Mistake number
You could see the whole thing was putting a strain on her
and the one person she expected to understand her and just for one day, support
her was not doing that-it was getting to her.
As a man when things get to a point where your wife goes out
of her way to stop her children from seeing your mother, does not make the
effort or does not like the idea of hosting your mother in her home-it is
mostly your fault because what did you do in the beginning? When it all
started, what did you do? Which side were you on and how did you handle their
Rule Number 1 As a
man you need to let your mother know that you now have a family of your own
that comes first
If your mother really loves you and wants you to be happy in
your house, then she will not go out of her way to make the life of the person
you are living with even harder. The only way that happens is, as a man, you
sit your mother down and have a conversation with her. Remind her of how she
was treated when she went to her husband’s home. Better? Then she should do the
same. Worse? It is not your wife’s fault so she needs not take it out on her.
Like the above example, the man does not need to even have a
conversation. It was a special day for the child that was to come. Now it is
going to become a bad memory for the mother every time she thinks about it.
That is how mothers-in-law get excluded by the wives from everything. Some of
you men have saints for wives and you do not appreciate it. Throughout the
whole pregnancy your mother is nitpicking your wife and she has invited her to
stay with you because you asked as her husband. I would tell the both of you to
pack and go somewhere else while I give birth in peace. If you do not leave
then you will find me gone. Have the baby shower on my own too. There are just
some things in life you do not put a dent on especially if your wife is looking
forward to it.
Rule Number 2 Let
your mother know when your wife helps out
Some mothers have this wrong idea that the wife is busy
whispering in her son’s ear how he should spend less on her. If you as her son
decide to ration her allowance or expenses then let her know it was your
decision. Don’t keep quiet because that woman will now start making up her own
things in her head. Explain to her, that now you have a child in kindergarten
and one on the way, you need to be wiser about savings and spending.
Let her know that you are a bachelor no more and this is how
your salary is set up. She is still going to think that way but at least you
put it out there.
If your wife puts her mother in a lifestyle out of her own
pocket, don’t let your mother think it is you. It is going to cause strife.
If your wife helps out when you are unable to or you are
tied up, then tell your mother this time it is my wife that did it. So that she
just knows that your wife has no ill feeling toward her.
Rule Number 3 You
need to be your wife’s liaison
90% of mothers-in-law are never if not rarely pleased by
their son’s wife but you only hear about the 50% that are mad. What happens to
the 40%?It is called micro-management on the man’s part. A man should always
choose to understand his wife and her emotions first. Then what she needs or
expects from him.
For example; your mother is coming to visit and you know she
gives your wife a harsh if not a hard time. What do most men do? Ignore the
situation and just be happy that mum is here and wife can sulk at least my mum
cares. Then you go at the bar till late because mum supports you because she
knows it pisses your wife off.
What smart men do; they sit their wife down and tell her
something along the lines of, ‘I know she gives you a hard time and I am sorry
about that. But I cannot do anything about it because she is old if you can
just bear with it while she is here and I will be thankful and appreciative. I
just want to know you understand while we put up a front for her sake.’ The key
is to sound very apologetic. Your wife will wash your mother’s feet with a
smile on her face and spoon feed her every meal. And you will not have to be so
worried when you go to sleep at night about getting any cold shoulders. That is
crisis management on a smart husband’s part.
Woman to man; one of the things most husbands forget is that
you are never too sure who will go six feet under first. Heaven forbid it is
you and your mother is left with a bitter/ resentful wife. What will you do;
especially if she had no one else to turn to other than you?
One wife will remember her as the grandmother to her children and take care of
her. Another brutal wife will not care and will close that chapter without a
second backward glance. Be smart and
careful on how you treat your wife because of your mother. She may be the only
person who will take care of her when you no longer can.
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