My friends need to divorce but they can't
20 April 2016, 19:42
Nairobi - I know a couple; I actually went to visit them this past
weekend and stayed over for the night. You know those relationships where
people know or they are still not sure if it is over but they are fighting to
keep it together because they do not want to be ‘those people’? That type of
relationship. The following morning, we are having breakfast. The lady had come
back with some bananas from her rural place. The man being really old school
decides instead of having the usual town breakfast of tea and break; he does
not ask anyone to prepare the bananas but does it himself. So while they are
cooking, they are taking too long like it was over an hour already.
The youngest child goes to check on them and she is also
baffled as to why they are not cooking until the lady asks them from which
batch he had cooked from. Turns out some of those bananas were sweet bananas
but they had just not yet ripened. She starts shouting the whole house down
because the man cooked from the wrong batch and asking out loud how someone
could be so stupid. The man had gone to get dressed to leave for work so you
can imagine in the living room we are all giving her a unified look of, ‘It was
an honest mistake.’ Even I can admit to
you guys like I could not tell the difference. They were all green and if you
are brought up in Nairobi you know that if a banana is green, it needs some
cooking. So we were all trying to tell her, ‘Cool down. Calm down, it is just
bananas and it was an honest mistake. Even we cannot tell.’ Worst part is the
children were as well. She continues berating the man, he shows up in the
living room and I really felt bad for the man, he just looked so defeated. It
was like he was trying for once, just early in the morning to start a day on a
good note. By preparing breakfast and it seems he could not get that one right
Just for that second, I realized the reason that so many
people get to a point and decide, we did our best and now we are done. Why
continue living with someone or something that makes you feel that bad every
day for the rest of your life? Their marriage has been on the rocks for two
years now but they are trying to keep it together, not even for the kids
because they are grown up but because they are old. Who wants to start running
around again when you get to a certain age? You just want to relax but theirs
seems not to be working out.
The man looked so tired and he was also embarrassed because
the kids were also there. Can you imagine living with someone you can no longer
please? Living with someone who no longer cares whether they show you respect
or disrespect especially in front of the ones that matter? Imagine looking into
someone else’s face every day and them, making you feel like you are a failure.
Imagine that subject you took because you had to, and you already knew it was
not going to be good but you still sat and took the test. You are hoping just
for once, the results would be better this time by some stroke of luck but as
usual, you get a D again. Now imagine that being your spouse, every single day
of your life; them giving you that feeling and you having to live with it.
You are starting to understand why people get tired. That is
why for any young marriage and for any young couple, you are asked; ‘Take out
the love, do you still like that person?’ You would not want to hurt or see
hurt in the face of someone you like, no matter what they did to you.
Do you still like your boyfriend/girlfriend; your fiancé/
fiancée; because if you do not, the above scenario could be yours just as
easily? Maybe not because you boiled the wrong bananas but something else and
you do not want to be that one at 50 wondering if maybe they were the wrong
choice for you.
Maybe you are like the above couple and after the children leave
you are starting to see that this person is no longer what you want. Now what
do you do? Do you make their life harder? That is not mature. You would rather
talk to someone so that they know where your head is because someone is just
trying to have some tea and you make them choke with those nasty looks. Now
they are not even sure if you are trying to poison them. Leave the passive
aggressive behavior for the young ones, you are old at least try to have an
open conversation with someone. You never know, they might agree with you.
You might not even need that entire circus that is involved
with courts and divorce papers. Old people are excused for being cantankerous.
No one will blink an eye if the both of you come to an amicable agreement but
don’t make someone feel less about themselves and in front of their children
because the love is no longer there.
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