How to become a Facebook celeb
12 July 2016, 12:32
I will not start researching on why everyone wants to be called a celeb but it seems to be a new obsession. Anyway, a Facebook Celebrity is a person who believes they are famous due to the number of likes their posts and photos attract.
If you want to be a Facebook celebrity here are a few tips:
1) Write controversial posts. The more abusive you are the more likes you get - and followers who won’t recognize you on the streets anyway. It seems like the more abusive and disrespectful you are the more viewership you get. Call yourself fearless due to the enormity of your insults. Feel good about yourself.
2) Start picking on famous people who have not done anything to you and are busy building the nation. Just pick on someone famous and find faults in them. If you attack a celeb, you will get followers hence more likes. Likes are like your drug right? Attack your victim’s personal life, like say the person is a presenter, and does her job well, call her names claiming she isn’t married and all, or some other extremely embarrassing rumors meant to defame that person. Do not care what your actions would do to someone - all you need is Facebook likes right? Call yourself fearless and feel better about yourself.
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3) Spread rumors. Convince the public that you have all the information they need to know while seated behind a computer or phone. You have information that even NASA does not have because you have reliable sources to fault-find and spread rumors about innocent Kenyans not caring how this will affect them. Spread this information and because they are outright lies, an argument will erupt on your page, name calling and all.
4) At this point the police would have caught up with you, they should. Someone would have spotted the damage you are causing and would be pressing charges for hate speech. Post pictures of yourself in police custody while thumping your chest and promising to continue being fearless, and emphasizing that you are not afraid. You will keep telling Kenyans the truth. You will not be cowed but such petty threats. Your fame will shoot. You will get more likes and followers. A few sympathizers here and there.
5) Now this step is for those who have not made it to police custody; fake a kidnap, but ensure your peers know so as to launch a search team. Alternatively, send a message or make a post informing people about your kidnap before switching off your phone and going offline. Your peers would make it trend. This will give you more likes. Faking death could make you more famous but it’s hard because you will also need to fake a resurrection.
6) You have many Facebook likes. You are FAMOUS! Vie for a political post.
8) Get a job… and a life.
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