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Your child and the new man

26 May 2015, 18:00 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - Some. Most. Okay, some of my friends are single mothers and their conversation openers is usually, ‘I have a child!’ Not, ‘how is your day!’ or ‘my work/ day was good!’ anything; they just start with the information that they have a child or children somewhere.

I do not know if it is because they associate that big reveal with some stigma which is understandable. Or maybe it is because they just want to get it out of the way.


It is good to talk about your child, even boast about them, in fact it is encouraged both for the mother’s sake and the child’s sake. There is no shame in being a mother without a husband. There can be a number of reasons as to why you are doing it alone-which you personally know.

The rest of us do not put too much stalk in what you are doing in your personal business. But when is it the right time to actually introduce your man to a child (-Ren) that is not his.


It actually never is a good time but that does not mean you can hide them forever especially if it is starting to get serious.

When you are dating, you are allowed not to reveal your situation because you cannot confuse a child by introducing him/her to everyone you might or might not see again. You only let the child meet a prospective suitor when it is actually a serious relationship.


Both of you are committed

It is not a sign or being a sensei and judging from someone’s treatment of you. You are in a committed relationship when you actually sit down with someone and they ask you to be in a relationship with them. If you ask and someone is taking a few minutes to give you the answer, they are not ready to be anything with you.

You should not take offense, you just ask yourself if you are willing to wait or you should move on. Commitment to you means commitment to your package as well.

Goes back to, not introducing your child to a string of men.


If your ex thinks your partner is okay

This case only applies when your said ex is not a harpy. They are forward thinking rational individuals who do not have grudges or ill will.

If you have such an ex and they are a good judge of character, ask them and if they okay the other person, you are good to go! On the other hand, if you do not have the father of your child to rely on, seek the counsel of wise friend who has already met the man and hear what they have to say. If it is positive feedback, you are good to go!


The man actually shows interest in knowing about your child

The best men are the ones who will never blame a child for their parents’ mistake-they are rare though! If your man asks about your child on his own volition. Asks about what they are doing and their latest interests without you prodding them then you can actually make this work.

Be careful though for feigned interest-it may last until he gets you into his nest and asks you to send the child to the father or village. If you are not ready for this, gauge a man’s honest interest in your child.

If he is accepting of your child then he can meet them.

Do not

Unload the whole litter

The worst you can do in any situation is overwhelm a person. Any person will react negatively when overwhelmed. Do it bit by bit. He can say hi when he drops you off at the door. Not you asking him if he can read a story or hold one while you send the other off to bed on the first date. The best results when it comes to change is when people are exposed to it bit by bit.


Force the situation

He wants to live you at the door but you want to hurry this along because he looks like he is the one. The guy will not call you as he promised.

Let the man be the one that initiates it. It is even better if he is the one that asks and you refuse because you are not ready never the other way around.


Bring in the ex to vet him and his interaction with your children

You should be the one to do this. A mother knows best. The father will just be there to look for the negatives and make the situation worse by making him uncomfortable.

Yes, you should be careful on leaving your child with strange people. But that is why we said committed relationship not anyone.

He will/ might be uneasy but if he really wants to meet them, be the judge and do not let him have to deal with your ex on the other side as well.

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