Your child and the new man
26 May 2015, 18:00
Nairobi - Some. Most. Okay, some of my friends are single mothers and
their conversation openers is usually, ‘I have a child!’ Not, ‘how is your
day!’ or ‘my work/ day was good!’ anything; they just start with the
information that they have a child or children somewhere.
I do not know if it is because they associate that big
reveal with some stigma which is understandable. Or maybe it is because they
just want to get it out of the way.
It is good to talk about your child, even boast about them,
in fact it is encouraged both for the mother’s sake and the child’s sake. There
is no shame in being a mother without a husband. There can be a number of
reasons as to why you are doing it alone-which you personally know.
The rest of us do not put too much stalk in what you are
doing in your personal business. But when is it the right time to actually
introduce your man to a child (-Ren) that is not his.
It actually never is a good time but that does not mean you
can hide them forever especially if it is starting to get serious.
When you are dating, you are allowed not to reveal your
situation because you cannot confuse a child by introducing him/her to everyone
you might or might not see again. You only let the child meet a prospective
suitor when it is actually a serious relationship.
Both of you are committed
It is not a sign or being a sensei and judging from
someone’s treatment of you. You are in a committed relationship when you
actually sit down with someone and they ask you to be in a relationship with
them. If you ask and someone is taking a few minutes to give you the answer,
they are not ready to be anything with you.
You should not take offense, you just ask yourself if you
are willing to wait or you should move on. Commitment to you means commitment
to your package as well.
Goes back to, not introducing your child to a string of men.
If your ex thinks your partner is okay
This case only applies when your said ex is not a harpy.
They are forward thinking rational individuals who do not have grudges or ill
If you have such an ex and they are a good judge of
character, ask them and if they okay the other person, you are good to go! On
the other hand, if you do not have the father of your child to rely on, seek
the counsel of wise friend who has already met the man and hear what they have
to say. If it is positive feedback, you are good to go!
The man actually shows interest in knowing about your child
The best men are the ones who will never blame a child for
their parents’ mistake-they are rare though! If your man asks about your child
on his own volition. Asks about what they are doing and their latest interests
without you prodding them then you can actually make this work.
Be careful though for feigned interest-it may last until he
gets you into his nest and asks you to send the child to the father or village.
If you are not ready for this, gauge a man’s honest interest in your child.
If he is accepting of your child then he can meet them.
Unload the whole litter
The worst you can do in any situation is overwhelm a person.
Any person will react negatively when overwhelmed. Do it bit by bit. He can say
hi when he drops you off at the door. Not you asking him if he can read a story
or hold one while you send the other off to bed on the first date. The best
results when it comes to change is when people are exposed to it bit by bit.
Force the situation
He wants to live you at the door but you want to hurry this
along because he looks like he is the one. The guy will not call you as he
Let the man be the one that initiates it. It is even better
if he is the one that asks and you refuse because you are not ready never the
other way around.
Bring in the ex to vet him and his interaction with your
You should be the one to do this. A mother knows best. The
father will just be there to look for the negatives and make the situation
worse by making him uncomfortable.
Yes, you should be careful on leaving your child with
strange people. But that is why we said committed relationship not anyone.
He will/ might be uneasy but if he really wants to meet
them, be the judge and do not let him have to deal with your ex on the other
side as well.
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