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Women: Are you the side chick or the main dish?

05 September 2014, 18:41 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - ‘How can he marry another woman six months after breaking up with me…’ there is a girl out there saying those words right now as I write, as you read and as long as this article is out there.

When a man marries six months after dating you, it is not because he met her after breaking up with you, but he was test driving both of you at the same time. (A moment of silence before I continue…) At one time both, or all (at times there are more than just two) of you were on the co-driver’s seat and kept changing for the backseat until at one point, one of you called shot-gun before the rest of you were any wiser.

I have no idea who came up with the idea that men are dumb because in my experience, they can be devious and down right manipulative when they choose to be. Having more than one partner is an art of multi- tasking that men have managed to perfect while we are left multi-tasking between their laundry, kitchen and facets of perfecting their lives. Lying to ourselves how we are the ones he is going to end up with, giving him husband benefits, yet this man is not too invested with you.

I have a friend, we will call him Dave*, and so while at the gym, he talks about this girl, so I ask, is she your girlfriend? He tells me they just do stuff she is not a girlfriend but he considers her his side chick while he looks for his main chick. So I ask him, why not just make her your girl if you do not have one at the moment. Dave says, she is not up to par with the standards he has set out for his to-be main chick. I tell him to set her aside then so that he does not waste her time and he just shrugs his shoulders. I then tell him that maybe, he is also a side-man, but that made him all to happy, and what he said was, it made things easier for him when the time came to move on.

Read also:  'The Kenyan woman always stays in an abusive relationship'

Lesson to be learnt here not just by me, but for all women is that while you are out there spending 3-8 years with one man thinking you are his all, giving him your 100%, he has a BODMAS where he works out all his woman problems out from. There is the one who gets 20%, 5%, 93%, 0.1% but rarely 100%. At this point you have to ask yourself if you are or were the one getting 0.1% of him and when I say men know how to be devious and manipulative, I mean when he is giving you that 2% you feel like the luckiest woman in the world, now ask yourself how much the 93% girl is getting. Then there is the percentage that is always left off for when he will meet the one. He is out there looking for something better than you, yet here you are overlooking all his flaws, telling yourself that no one is perfect.Then if no one is, do yourself a favor and also aspire for better.

In Caroline Mutoko’s words, “Never settle for okay as you just become average". Relationships are exhausting work, especially for women. You go into it preparing to work hard to make it work, then you spend most parts just doing that. Then when it ends you are left crying and mentally draining yourself and the guy is out there, onto the next one. Investing yourself totally in someone you are not sure of always haunts you and the worst part is, you decide to settle, then you get children involved and eventually you are all bitter. A friend of my mother’s is always complaining about her husband. He cheats, he is a spendthrift, rarely if ever takes care of his family…Thing is, she knew all this before settling, so she has no one to blame but herself.

You take a risk when you tell yourself that you will change this man, if you are up for the challenge and you are sure about him then hell, fight for him and take that 93%.  Because that is how it works, men are rarely sure and they forget as well as change their minds as fast as we do. So change his mind and make him think you are worth the 100%. BUT… if you are not sure, give as much as you are getting, that is my motto.  Keep your options open because you can be sure, he just requires a pass from anyone who comes or passes by. We have made it that easy, our rugby tournaments attest to that. He was at Masaku and picked two, at Migaa, he only needed one, not many and at the Safaricom 7s you can be sure he will get away with at least three. You will be at home cutting Sukuma wiki and making stew for him to come and eat with that mouth he will be kissing all those women with.

Read also: Forget the reports, Kenyans are beautiful people

My advice, think Steve Harvey, be like a man, know your limits and how far you are willing to go to get what you aspire to because when he is telling you to think like a man, it is not how you can cover up that spending spree at the Junction, but who he is taking to the Tribe while he takes you to some snack bar for coffee and you are on cloud nine after that.

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