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Why long distance relationships don't make sense

13 July 2015, 18:24 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - I will bet that most of the time when someone is actually having a long distance relationship, it is because someone is in school or someone is working and they are getting really well paid. In both cases someone just had to make the decision to move after actually courting for a good while.

I still do not understand people who have long distance online relationships. You have never met and in my opinion that is just some virtual communion you are having until one of you moves on to something better unless they already have that and you are just a passing fancy.

Things we need to get out of the way first, I do not have trust issues but believe you me, if you have actually been in a long distance relationship you will start doubting if you actually have them.

For married people, you know your spouse and you are in the ‘know’ when it comes to getting all the details when the spouse is moving. Their job, their job description, their work/ study hours, where they will stay, who they will be with and who is their boss. You get a pass when it comes to behaving badly just to make sure that they are not behaving badly. Read; spying and snooping and follow ups.

Now dating couples on the other hand or a couple that is yet to put a ring on it, it is a whole different ball game. Couples who are committed to each other but not married also fall in this category.

It is like being dropped in the middle of the desert and having no map, compass and no sense of direction on your part. Believe me because I have been there. You will be optimistic and cooperative in the beginning but just give yourself time.

You do not have a pass to ask anything by the way. If they wish, they will tell you what they are going to do; work or school. But the rest is if they feel like it. They do not have to tell you where they are going to stay, how long they have to walk from work before they get to their answering machine. Whether they have roommates-are they male or female? Is their schedule hectic or not?

 They do not have to tell you anything. Now, you being you, and you having read some relationship expert’s opinion; they will tell you to hold off. You do not want to look needy or betray yourself by showing your trust issues. Let them call when they want to call. Let them return the text when they want to text even though you can see them online on WhatsApp. You cannot send them and I see you, if you are lunatic enough you will call them as the app has at least allowed you that. They might ignore then text how they are at work because of different time zones and 24-hour economies you cannot question that. Also, this is where you will feel guilty lying in bed while they work their a**es off! You can question but if they want to they can lie or they can be honest about it, you know your partner but you will not have a clue.

I was in a long distance relationship and even as that person boarded the plane I just knew this was never going to work. We are not married so they are not obligated to me. They do not need to fill me in on all their actions. That relationship is limited to a number of phone calls and texts on odd days of the week. When they are not too busy to get on the phone. That relationship is limited to both of you trying to figure out when they will be able to come see you on their leave days and whether they will have the funds to make the journey.

So you are left here, limited to your social circle. Cannot go out with other men/ women because that is cheating. You cannot be flirting with other people. You are reduced to sitting by the hone to see whether they will make that phone call that they were meant to. Or whether they saw the texts you sent and if they will ever reply. Will their schedule allow it?

You even start wondering if what your partner is telling you is that they do not have a social life there because they cannot even afford to have a conversation with you. So you just wait. And wait. And hope that you will survive this one because you already know at the back of your mind it is not going to work but because you gave each other promise rings they are going to stick to their end of the bargain.

Truth is, you are not married and maybe have no children together; so nothing other than words and memories are tying the two of you together. Long distant relationships can make you have trust issues even though you have no cause by the way.

But they can also give you an aneurism. What if they have moved on and they are afraid of telling you? What if they found their soul mate and you are not it? What if you are here wasting your prime years but for them they do not care enough to inform you because they do not want that blow back. That is the problem with that kind of relationship, you do not have hard copy proof that you still are together.

There was this, oldies, zilizopendwa song that I am sure you know, I just do not remember the name. It was talking about some guy selling his land so that she could go to school abroad. So you know then, there were no cellphones and WhatsApp, so you just waited. He waited, but when she came back, she came with her Chinese family, complete with a bundle of joy and the husband in tow.

You get the gist, the point is, this relationship is not about you being strong, patient and enduring but it is all about your partner. Can you trust them enough to care about you and remember that you are here waiting for them?

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