Why long distance relationships don't make sense
13 July 2015, 18:24
Nairobi - I will bet that most of the time when someone is actually
having a long distance relationship, it is because someone is in school or
someone is working and they are getting really well paid. In both cases someone
just had to make the decision to move after actually courting for a good while.
I still do not understand people who have long distance
online relationships. You have never met and in my opinion that is just some virtual
communion you are having until one of you moves on to something better unless
they already have that and you are just a passing fancy.
Things we need to get out of the way first, I do not have
trust issues but believe you me, if you have actually been in a long distance
relationship you will start doubting if you actually have them.
For married people, you know your spouse and you are in the
‘know’ when it comes to getting all the details when the spouse is moving.
Their job, their job description, their work/ study hours, where they will
stay, who they will be with and who is their boss. You get a pass when it comes
to behaving badly just to make sure that they are not behaving badly. Read;
spying and snooping and follow ups.
Now dating couples on the other hand or a couple that is yet
to put a ring on it, it is a whole different ball game. Couples who are
committed to each other but not married also fall in this category.
It is like being dropped in the middle of the desert and
having no map, compass and no sense of direction on your part. Believe me
because I have been there. You will be optimistic and cooperative in the
beginning but just give yourself time.
You do not have a pass to ask anything by the way. If they
wish, they will tell you what they are going to do; work or school. But the
rest is if they feel like it. They do not have to tell you where they are going
to stay, how long they have to walk from work before they get to their
answering machine. Whether they have roommates-are they male or female? Is
their schedule hectic or not?
They do not have to
tell you anything. Now, you being you, and you having read some relationship
expert’s opinion; they will tell you to hold off. You do not want to look needy
or betray yourself by showing your trust issues. Let them call when they want
to call. Let them return the text when they want to text even though you can
see them online on WhatsApp. You cannot send them and I see you, if you are
lunatic enough you will call them as the app has at least allowed you that.
They might ignore then text how they are at work because of different time
zones and 24-hour economies you cannot question that. Also, this is where you
will feel guilty lying in bed while they work their a**es off! You can question
but if they want to they can lie or they can be honest about it, you know your
partner but you will not have a clue.
I was in a long distance relationship and even as that
person boarded the plane I just knew this was never going to work. We are not
married so they are not obligated to me. They do not need to fill me in on all
their actions. That relationship is limited to a number of phone calls and
texts on odd days of the week. When they are not too busy to get on the phone.
That relationship is limited to both of you trying to figure out when they will
be able to come see you on their leave days and whether they will have the
funds to make the journey.
So you are left here, limited to your social circle. Cannot
go out with other men/ women because that is cheating. You cannot be flirting
with other people. You are reduced to sitting by the hone to see whether they
will make that phone call that they were meant to. Or whether they saw the
texts you sent and if they will ever reply. Will their schedule allow it?
You even start wondering if what your partner is telling you
is that they do not have a social life there because they cannot even afford to
have a conversation with you. So you just wait. And wait. And hope that you
will survive this one because you already know at the back of your mind it is
not going to work but because you gave each other promise rings they are going
to stick to their end of the bargain.
Truth is, you are not married and maybe have no children
together; so nothing other than words and memories are tying the two of you
together. Long distant relationships can make you have trust issues even though
you have no cause by the way.
But they can also give you an aneurism. What if they have
moved on and they are afraid of telling you? What if they found their soul mate
and you are not it? What if you are here wasting your prime years but for them
they do not care enough to inform you because they do not want that blow back.
That is the problem with that kind of relationship, you do not have hard copy proof
that you still are together.
There was this, oldies, zilizopendwa
song that I am sure you know, I just do not remember the name. It was talking
about some guy selling his land so that she could go to school abroad. So you
know then, there were no cellphones and WhatsApp, so you just waited. He
waited, but when she came back, she came with her Chinese family, complete with
a bundle of joy and the husband in tow.
You get the gist, the point is, this relationship is not
about you being strong, patient and enduring but it is
all about your partner. Can you trust them enough to care about you and
remember that you are here waiting for them?
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