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Why do women always suffer in marriage

14 May 2015, 16:36 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - As a woman, I think our entire lives is usually spent feeling pressure for one thing or the other. In our father’s house, you feel the pressure of having bringing your husband to the parents. Not just any husband though, you have to bring that one that fulfills all your parent’s fantasy’s on what a good man is about. Otherwise you would not feel any pressure at all if you could just pick anything and take it to them.

Then when you are in your husband’s house, you want to be that good wife which the Bible talks about but that can be handled. The real pressure I am talking about is having children for your husband, and his ENTIRE CLAN! It is never just about you, but somebody else.

Let us be honest, only a very small minority of men will go into marriage thinking that they do not want any children from you and they just married you to have fun and companionship! Very small. The way the African-Kenyan man works is get married so that you can have children in wedlock. They can have outside of it but he does not want the handle of over five women with ten children-hence wedlock.  Otherwise, if it was just about having fun, he would not get married.

Then, for any man, it is never just about him and what he wants. The clan, the tribe, the elders, the father and the mother are all looking at your stomach as a garden that needs to be sprouting some seeds. And that is where the pressure is.

Your ideas on modernity and what you want or think do not come into the equation. It is what they wand and they want it now that matters.

If you marry, you are given a year tops to settle in after that, your stomach better be ahead of you otherwise you were never a bargain. No matter how many degrees, PhDs, accolades, recognition or fame and prosperity you have. If you cannot give your man children then you are a waste!

That is the truth.

Do not frown and tell me about adoption, you know that is not how it works. You can do it, if you can afford to give that child the life they deserve but that is after you give him his own.

I am not going to discount the fact that a man can be sterile, at least this days we have that on our side and we can prove it.

Who I feel for though is the woman. The woman that actually wants to give her husband children but cannot. The one that is trying year in, year out and is getting nowhere. The one that is on some diet and can binge her frustrations on alcohol because that might be the day she messes it up completely. That woman who is now looking and trying those Westerner’s means; the IVFs and what not to get her husband’s family that proof that she is not sterile.

I feel for that woman not only because of that part, but also because of how the husband and his family will end up treating her as soon as it is year 5, 8 or 10 and she is yet to bear fruit.

She is the one that tries to speak to her mother-in-law but the mother-in-law acts dumb because you no longer exist for her. Where are her grandchildren? If his aunt’s come to visit, they bring a lady form the village who has at least one ‘brat’ somewhere to prove her fertility. She is that cousin that you never met. When they come they take over your household because you are now a non-issue.

 But the worst is when the husband now turns his back on you. If you no longer have that support and he now realized he can get option, B, C or Z, then you as the wife know that you are screwed. He now looks at you and wonders why they paid that dowry, why did you have that expensive wedding because right now you really are looking like a loss, a white elephant that needs to be replaced.

Soon enough, your life that woman’s life is back to square one, she is so miserable. She does not want to live alone because no amount of accolades and recognition will keep her warm at night. She is trying her best but she has failed at the one thing all women are supposedly meant to be able to do. That is why, right now, as much as I am relaxed about getting a man, and being married. The pressure is whether I can conceive in my marital home. That is where the real pressure is. Not many women see it until that last moment when the results keep being negative.

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