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When your woman is dirty

08 July 2015, 13:30 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - Their habits? Their character? You name it. There is always one thing or rather a couple of things that your partner has that you do not like so much because the truth is even the soul mates and that someone who is apparently made for you is never perfect. Sometimes everything might just be wrong with someone but you do not understand how they are in a happy fulfilling relationship. Because that person can tolerate them!

The past weekend, I went to see someone that I had not seen for a couple of years. I would not call them a friend but we can just say it is an acquaintance whom when we get together we can get along. She is female and it is a female household for that matter so that we are just clear. All women, seven of them for that matter but I cannot even put it in words the dirt, unkempt with a foul stink and unhygienic that I saw in that house. It is a given that at times Nairobi can run out of water, but really I have seen people who are in slums live much better. I cannot be the one to tell someone how to go about cleanliness but really when you are a woman there are just some things that to me should come second nature. I am not saying that cleanliness has to do with gender- just to be diplomatic but I would like to think that as a woman you would pride yourself in being able to do one of the simplest, inexpensive things on earth. Be clean, just soap and water. It got me thinking.

At times, when it comes to being a certain type of wife material (if we go ahead and think as traditional Africans), she was just disqualified already. All seven of them because I am not talking about toddlers but grown women. So if your man is coming in from one direction throwing dirty socks on one side, she will come in and track mud while stepping on them from the other side? The house was muddy-like cement covered in mud and I am not joking.

She is a woman and I am sure she is going to end up with someone and chances are he might just have to tolerate her unhygienic habits. He might just have to be the clean person in that relationship. This is where I apply that ‘opposites attract’ thing. Where you have polar opposites in a relationship but they do quite well together, not because they are perfect but because they have learnt to survive with each other.

Your partner or spouse might have some character traits; gets mood swings, is prone to throw things when you get into arguments, those type that like yelling over small things or not as communicative as you would like them to be. These are some of just the smaller things that a lot of people in relationships compromise on as long as their partner is above 70% when it comes to the other things.

On the other hand, I am not sure if some things are about you being a compromising partner, a tolerant partner or it is just you settling to be with someone who is not good for you. We have those who like disappearing for days or weeks and when they come back, they have no excuse or explanation but they expect you to continue as though they were just in the other room of the house.

When you are in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, is it you being tolerant and compromising or you making the wrong choice when it comes to a partner? They normally say there is someone for everyone, so I am guessing violent people do not die celibate and without knowing love in a relationship. Does it mean that you are the one that has to give them room to be erroneous because you believe that you were meant to be together regardless? Just how tolerant are you when it comes to the relationships you are in?

I mentioned the smaller things that a lot of us can easily deal with; unhygienic, temperamental, likes the drink-notice I have said likes not alcoholic/drunkard, miser/ spendthrifts (one of the two extremes), or just a partner who is not into communication or being romantic. People in relationships deal with such every other day. Not because they decided to settle but because no one is perfect. They do not have that one quality but when it comes to the rest: reliable, responsible, caring and what not they are a good partner. That is compromise and tolerance.

Dealing with a criminal, an addict, a womanizer (you should leave this one to be deal with by the pariahs), a violent, drunkard, unambitious or a lazy person is not you being tolerant but you being stupid by being an enabler.

If something is not good for you, and you are struggling to keep it together without them doing anything on their part, that is not being tolerant but you being used and stupid. At times you have to let some of these people be dealt with by their fellow counterparts (male or female).

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