What next when he or she changes for the worse?
04 November 2015, 18:46
Nairobi - Women marry men hoping that they will change for the better within marriage. Men marry women because they are convinced she is the best wife material he has been able to get and cannot possible do better. Agreed? You can also add love and romance if you feel I am being too harsh on the institution. I think that love is very fickle these days and that is why I discount it very easily. People are out for themselves because admit it or not you are thinking what can I build with this person and move from point A to B? I admire affection more so than love because love is so….so…. (You just never know what you are going to get the next minute).
That is where the problem lies when we speak about change in marriage. There is the changing for the better, which we all want and hope for. You do not want to wake any morning and think of how much of a mistake you made when you look at the pillow lying next to you.
When someone changes for the worse in marriage especially if it has not been even a year it is because they are realizing that you are not the person they love. They were in love with the idea of being in love but they did not love you. They become distant at first. They just do not talk to you and want to avoid your company. This is when they stay out more than in. Facing you is facing the mistake they made and now they are wondering do they live with it or tell you so that you go your separate ways.
Guess which path they take? The first option; mainly because there was a large, expensive wedding with a lot of funds spent, someone may already be pregnant, you two have joint everything and the process of divorce just gives anyone a migraine. Someone can also just not want to hurt you because they know how heavily invested you are in the idea of you two being together; emotionally invested.
Someone can also change for the worse when they find out something that you wanted to keep hidden from them. You think that they do not know but now that they do, they realize they can do what they want and then drop the bombshell on you; so that they can say they are getting even. Slept with the maid, slept with their best friend, had a secret termination, give money secretly to the wrong people.
Change does not happen overnight but it is progressive. It starts with them showing you that they do not care about the small things and it suddenly escalates. Long disappearances then they just pop up, change clothes and they are off again; have an affair, drinking out every other day, abuse and insults, staying out until late and just not pay attention to whether you are happy or unhappy.
So what do you do? You will have to face the problem and confront it. What most people do is they try to compensate whilst trying to figure out what might be wrong rather than just ask. They give a pass when the partner does not give them the answer and continue living as before. You end up wasting your time stuck in a circle with someone who is moving on outside and is yet to drop a bombshell on you. For example; ‘Two years ago, I found out that you did this and that. I was so mad and I did not understand why you would betray me like that. I met someone and I have been seeing them for the past year. She is pregnant and I love her.’ Now you are stuck there wondering if you are wife number one, divorced, single or it was just all a sham.
Any change in marriage should be addressed. Good change should be appreciated and rewarded. That keeps it going. Bad change should be addressed and confronted. The minute something is off, put your foot down even I it was your mistake; let them tell you so that you can move on. You do not want to be in a sham of a marriage investing in someone and they have two more families in different counties. All that love; see why affection is better? They will not want to hurt you like that.
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