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What do men want in marriage?

13 May 2015, 16:46 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - It is made to sound easy before the actual mutual on how everything is going to fall into place.

The women are told; you are going to continue loving your husband, you will have children and even though you have been in existence all this while; that is when you apparently are starting your life.

I don’t know what the men are told but I can hazard a guess; now that they have a wife, they are now men. I am yet to be married but I am keen enough to know things do not work out as planned. If they did, people would not be miserable from cheating, distrust, adultery, the curse of the polygamist husband and the high divorce rates. This is how I know that things never go according to plan. I am also honest enough to tell it as it is-it is rarely either parties fault.

We all like love but in marriage you have so much obligations and you tend to focus on the bigger picture in order for some of it not to completely fail.

The women prioritize the children and making sure the household is well run because truth is, the man is rarely at home for you to prioritize him. Marriage life also has its honey moon stage, I am not talking about the relationship/ couple aspect life of it but the living with another person/ people part of it.

In the relationship, let us assume before marriage, that is the pre-honeymoon stage of it. You are still being in love, the bad parts that you have seen at that point is the bad hair net, shaving of legs, hygiene or unhygienic habits and poor sleeping positions. You are yet to see the real thing. Now after marriage, that is the honeymoon stage. You are still leaving just the two of you. No extra people jumping around or screaming and tantrums, cluttered house and dirt in imaginable areas-this is what you experience after the children come in, you now have strangers who have to be there to take care of them. In most Kenyan households the woman rarely stays at home, she also has to go out there and be part if not full breadwinner.

In her role she is focused in ensuring that the kids will at least have good uniforms for school even if she does not pay the fees, most of the time she is. The help has to be paid among other amenities for the household. Food has to be bought and the stash that she keeps to make sure that they are never evicted. The husband and love have taken a backseat. It gradually happens, at first she is dedicated and dutiful but everything else becomes a need, he becomes last priority. Or no priority.

Now, at this point what is the man doing? Since the honeymoon stage is out by now, he is also out. Out of the house. Reality of marriage sets in. You cannot sit and eat love or cry for love. You have procreated, taken a steep mortgage, and it is no longer just two people now. Work becomes a priority for the man. He can never be doing too much because fear plays a key role in scaring you out of laying around in bed or on your favorite seat.  Fear of poverty, fear of not paying the fees, fear of eviction, fear of not having as good a car, fear of not doing as well as the unmarried men. After marriage everything represents part fear for the man. You never have a minute of peaceful reminiscing unless you have made it and are sure you are covered for the next few generations, there is that fear that calls.

That is just how marriage life works, love is never a priority after you grow into everything. The caring and looking out for someone’s best interests are there but you realize it is never going to be as good as it first was. You may try to run around and make it better. You may be successful at it but the previously stated reasons are all a reason of you trying to feel that pre-honeymoon love again.

What do I know though, I am not married, if anything, I might be the most clueless when it comes to this things. You are married, so what do you think. Am I right or just naïve and silly in my thinking in my preconceived notions?

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