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Want to date a mzungu? It’s all in the S’s

09 June 2015, 10:18

You know how you walk around and see young girls with white men or you hear a story or two of how someone you knew got a new house or car because of her mzungu boyfriend? Well, that has been happening to me quite a lot these past few months.

Being a young Kenyan woman who was looking for something new, I thought of giving the mzungu a try.

Maybe my reasons for wanting to date a white guy were flawed, but I was curious to see what happens in these types of relationships.

So off I went to the site that would make my life easier, ‘THE T’ also known as Tinder. My friend recommended this site because she has used it a couple of times and it seemed to work for her.

Given she had much more experience under her belt as she’s been on that vanilla train for years, I decided to give it a try.

The first thing she did was give me vital advice on how to land a white man. She pulled me close, with my naivety hanging on my sleeve and said with confidence, “Little sparrow, the key to success is simple: dress like a SLUT, act STUPID and most importantly SMILE.”

Read Also: 4 things that men find attractive in women

Step One: SLUT

Apparently, I dress like a nun (which I find ridiculous, but it’s not like you will find me in stripper heels either). White men, according to my friend, like seeing what they will get. A little side boob here, legs there and an ass to boot is the key to attracting the bait.

Now my mama taught me well; that you don’t have to show the world your goodies. For what is there left to desire if he knows what he's going to get anyway?

So when I put up my tinder profile, she went through my images and was disappointed to find that there was nothing ‘eye-catching’ about them. She told me to up my game otherwise I won't get a catch.

Step two: STUPID

Now that my tinder account was set, the next step was interactions. I was instructed to say as little as possible and if possible, act dumb. This was proving to be a problem; I have a degree and the creative inclination to go far in life (at least, that’s what I tell myself). So why should I belittle myself in order to make a man feel like he is more intelligent than I am?

This thought repulsed me but I wanted to see if it would work. So I tried her tactic but stuck to my true self in other situations. It was interesting chatting with the men I met on tinder. Some just seemed to want sex, no hesitation, which is expected from such a site but hot damn, can’t they at least try and have some form of communication before letting their ding dong hang loose.

Another thing, boy, don’t they like to show their ding dongs. They ask for nude photos of you and if you refuse or joke around and send a funny pic, radio silence is your new best friend. My friend told me, you have to be open minded otherwise you are wasting your time.

Step three: SMILE

If you are lucky enough to get to meet at least a decent mzungu please follow step one and two to the tee. Dress the part, act like a brick was dropped on your head and most importantly, smile at everything. This I found funny; you cannot portray any other expression then happiness. God forbid you didn’t like the food or a drink was spilled on you, did that mean I should just smile like a puppet or clown?

Maybe it’s not always the case with all wazungu’s, but it did make me question what was going on in the dating sphere.

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