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Unhappy in your relationship?

23 June 2015, 15:22 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi -  Not that it works like instant coffee neither is it as productive but the point is at times when you are looking to be in a relationship it can get away with you at times. At times you are not even looking to be in one but just want the benefits but you are too selfish to let the other person know what you are about. In some cases you already know what you want but it is so hard not to want to fit into that pre-ordained box that society has consigned for you that you overlook your needs just to fit in. So my recipe is simple really and brings me to the following.

Understand what it is you want

You can pretend to know what you want but most of you actually do not know what you want. That translates as an extension of you not knowing yourself and hence you chasing after the wrong people to be in a relationship with. Yes, they are good but you just do not understand why they never seemed to work.

A simple answer would be because they were just not the right person for the relationship that you really need. Let me not be confused with that saying about, ‘someone being made for you’. I do not believe in it just from the simple premise of, what you are telling me is that when someone is widowed at twenty, they should lack for companionship? What if they live to sixty? They should stay single up until then. 

Understand what it is you want now, in your current state or situation/ circumstance. If not now, what will you want or expect in the future when you want to be with someone.

Is it a one night stand, a friend with benefits relationship, a child only and no strings attached for the other person? Or both of you want a child but not a relationship? Do you want something serious or you are just passing time? What are you doing and what is it that you want? Once you come to terms with that then you are headed in the right direction in terms of fulfillment.

Do not choose to be with someone who is flighty for a commitment relationship. You know them, you know you are not suited, yes, you enjoy being around each other but if they are not suited for what you want, why choose them and cry wolf later?

Do not use someone who wants to be in a committed relationship for a friends with benefits or flings. Do not say you were upfront with them, do not give them room to keep waiting for you when you know your heart is not there. Having a fall back person in your life is the reason so many people choose to settle after sowing oats because they were just always there! Do not be angry if you do not find fulfillment with them because you made the choice to stick around and just be.

You may want to be married in future, you have already seen that the persons around you are not well suited to the job, I am all for cultivation but do not cultivate the wrong crops in the wrong soil that is how you end up with bad produce.

If they are not what you want, leave them be and continue being you until the right person that is what you want comes along. That is how the right kind of relationships are built.

Know self, which will let you know what you what, which in turn is what will form what you want in a relationship and in the end help you make the right choice when it comes to your partners.

Understand that it was your choice to be with them

If you were not held in some room forcefully, gagged and tagged to someone’s waist or any other forceful means then reconcile with the fact that it was your choice to be with that person.

Keep making the wrong choices and you will keep ending up in the wrong relationships. Keep making the wrong choices and you will keep ending up with the wrong person. It is not their fault but yours too.

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