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Success of a relationship depends on the man

04 August 2015, 13:38 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi -I always beg to differ when I hear someone say that the success of a marriage is dependable on the woman, the wife, and the reception she gives to her husband. Because there is always only so much that you can do when it comes to taking a bull to the river. You cannot force it to drink. Milking the cow? If it does not want to be milked, then there’s not going to be any milk for everyone.

Marriage is also one of those institutions whereby 50-50 rarely works. It is always imbalanced no matter how you would choose to look at it. Someone is always giving more. Someone is always giving less and at times there is that one culprit that is giving nothing.

What is a reflection of the wife is the household. That is it. Even if she uses a house help to get it done. The dumb wife will choose a dumb house help who frustrates everyone at the end of the day. The clever wife will have the wisdom to choose a better house help who gets it done as it should.

The children are the reflection of both the wife and the husband. There is nothing like, ’go talk to their mother!’ You were part of it. Whether you chose to participate in their upbringing or not.  Their failures is a representation of your lack of proper parenting. Not their mother’s alone.

And so…..marriage and how warm, lukewarm, hot or cold it is, it all has to do with the husband. Women never get into anything with their eyes closed. I hope. If they do, there is still that dedication they commit into whatever they are choosing to get into.

She knows she is going to be so and so’s wife. She knows she is going in as his better half. She knows what her duties entail with regards to being a wife, mother and daughter to a new mother. The problem comes in when some husbands lose sight of the commitment they made to their women.

When a husband forgets his part of the bargain it is when the marriage starts losing some of its temperature. It goes from warm to cold. It rarely starts hot. He gets into the institution with stamina, focus and dedication but after running the race for a few months, he gets tired. He gets tired because the situations that come up are not to his liking. He gets tired because she got a better job. He loses some of the understanding he might have once had of what was important from the beginning. Her and not everybody else.

The husband gets tired of being the caregiver within the household and gets better things to do. How do you expect her to remain constant when you keep changing the thermostat? One day you are in, the next day you are nowhere to be seen. You do not even want to make time for your family because you have better things to do out there than in here.

So she starts handling everything by herself. She becomes the breadwinner because today you forgot to pay for one small bill. She pays. The next month you forget the rent and before you know it, you forget that you even had a family to cater to but you still go back there expecting things to run the same. How? Yet you think that you have the right to complain because ‘she has changed’.

A woman can only do so much in carrying her marriage, her household and her children. What you need to remember is that when she starts doing that she loses sight of you and your expectations. Most importantly, she loses the respect that she might have had for you. It does not matter what big changes and waves you are making out there when you cannot handle the role you had with her- as the one person that you had a lifetime commitment to.

Before you start complaining about your wife, what she had done or not done. Look back and think of whether you have been fulfilling your role as her husband and as the father to her children. If you have not, then keep quiet and keep it to yourself. That is how you avoid shame.

If you have been doing all that and more and the atmosphere never got any better, then you are one of the few that has the right to do as he wants in my opinion. Because it is your wife and not you.

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