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Raped by your lover

19 March 2015, 14:12 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - A lot of the time I hear about sexual assault, not by a stranger but by someone you know. Hearing about it and knowing someone, even being the person it has actually happened to are two completely different things.

It is much easier to think that you can give a stranger advice. Why can’t she not report it? Why can’t she put the person behind bars? To tell you the truth that is the same thing I told my friend, but I felt off because I also knew the assaulter and I still cannot believe that it happened. I also think that I partly blame my friend for the assault but that is not something you tell a traumatized person because I think they already know.

Do not get angry at me because I blame her to some extent because I have a reason. She went to the assaulter’s house alone and the worst part is he had been abusive and insulting over the phone just the previous day. If that did not ring alarm bells for her, I do not know.

These two had one of those relationships that are just too hard to actually explain, from the time she was in high school. It has spurn like almost ten years and she is just 27, that is history and it was never a perfect relationship. One person was cheating, another was too possessive, good girl with a bad unemployed man. He is pushing 30. Basically, this was an unmatched relationship. Like Bonnie and Clyde but they committed the crimes against each other.

Anyway, since she was getting older and she knew it was never going to work, they split like last year and decided to be with other people. Thing is, they stayed in touch. Staying in touch with an ex is not a bad thing, it is only bad if they are disruptive and abusive people that is when you completely cut them off. She did not! He had people spying on her, word got back to him about her new men, so he gets angry but keeps it to himself. During this time, I am sure the anger was building.

Come Valentine’s Day, she slept in. That is what she told me but you should know that I doubt that because I called to wish her a happy V and she was MIA, the whole day. Anyway, this guy called her too and he did not get through. Seems that if he was not the one spending the V with her then no one else was meant to. Angry calls started going to her voicemail as well as abusive texts. So Sunday he calls her telling her, they need to ‘talk’. My girl went. Now that to me was a stupid move, either she would have waited for things to cool off maybe a week so she hears him out or she meets him in a public venue. My girl went to his house.  She got a whooping, this man beat her up and sexually assaulted her, unprotected too- rapists do not have time for protection.

When she narrated the story (I got permission to write about it), it was after a month of me not seeing her, so I thought she needed space and I had been giving it to her.

We could not even go for drinks because she was on ARVs and you cannot counter them with alcohol. Good thing she at least took care of herself health wise because you cannot be too sure of where the man had been. She has the medical report that she needs to file with the police but I know for a fact that she is not going to. She tells me that she is waiting for the right time. When is it ever the right time to do anything? These guys live in the same neighborhood if he decides to attack her again, even I cannot help her. Her parents do not know and the man has threatened her in case she goes to report him.

My point to her was that she was acting redundant, because it is like she is waiting for it to happen again. This is something I tell any friend of mine, when you cross the road, follow the rules twice just to be on the safe side. They tell me that if someone hits you then you get a pay day. My comeback usually is, ’will you enjoy the money as a vegetable, in a coma, or with the disability? Why take the risk?

The same thing goes for my friend, she is waiting for it to happen again and again so that she gets the courage to put the man behind bars. Maybe next time she may not survive it.

I cannot report it for her, because first it is not in my place. Second, the report does not bear my name but hers.

Even as I was telling her to report him I still felt like I was not doing enough. Sometimes I try to think what is going on in her head because she gets this vacant look. That is the difference between giving a stranger advice as compare to going through it or knowing someone who is. I now also bear the burden of her pain and I feel helpless.

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