Nairobi - A lot can get lost in the way of you being into something- a relationship that is. And most of the time someone will tell you that the relationship will eventually not work just because you lost sight of who you are and what you wanted as an individual. Or maybe you just never lost sight on what you wanted because all you were about was just finishing school, getting a job and getting married, the children and growing old. In which case you are fine, if that is all you are aspiring to.
On the other hand, that is rarely the case with a lot of people (read women). You get you had outlined a couple of goals that you wanted to accomplish by a certain time, things on your calendar that you had put down on your to do list or a set of accomplishments that you had set out to achieve. Enter a relationship. Do not frown and say how you are a wise person and how you cannot believe that women can be that dumb. I have caught myself a couple of times doing the same and I can assure you that I am not dumb.
It is not something that happens with clear intention but it just happens because you took the eyes off the ball just for a minute because you had to tie a shoelace. By the time you turning back, some other player is already rolling with it and gets the score-you took the eye off the ball for a minute!
It is not that women are dumb it is just that we take that compromise stuff to seriously and hoard all of it. We leave none for the other people.
Let me ask, since you are just a reader and no one is watching or in your head. This weekend, you had planned to go see your mum/family, or you and your girlfriends had planned to get some charity work done. You were all set out and ready for it. Then, Mr. Someone, the man of all your dreams and aspirations as regards to family, called. He asked you out on a date, maybe it is not even a date, at times both of you just sit and the house (his house) and apparently catch up.
Let me tell you how it is going to play out in a woman’s head. This is when all her small brain cells are put to work. The larger ones go out of the window.
Mr. Someone vs. Charity with friends or visit family. Mr. Someone does not ask her to dates/ dinner or anything all the time, basically he has never asked you out. On the other hand, that Children’s home will be there next week, tomorrow and all the days after that. So will the friends and family. Guess who just won? Mr. Someone.
That is usually the beginning of the end. It just starts with the small stuff, and the woman simply opts to give up some small part of herself in order to cinch that relationship tighter round her waist. It is not that she is doing it intentionally, it is just that it is gradually done until by the end she completely changes what she was aiming for and settles for what she has managed to get. She ends up being satisfied to just make what she has now work. Because we all live for no regrets. That is the death of another inspirational woman.
We do not know how not to compromise ourselves for a relationship as compared to learning to compromise in a relationship.
We know how to compromise our bigger picture but the little fights and who can hold the remote is something we do not want to compromise in.
When you know the difference that is when you will; be able to keep yourself in check.
I have a date this weekend and it is a full weekend marathon; from Friday until Sunday. I am so excited, I already have a full closet of outfits in my head. Your dirty heads already thought of something else that is nasty though. Let me tell you why it is a weekend marathon. First of all, because I do not work on weekends and also, I was getting bored of spending the weekends in my house. This guy had initially invited me out for lunch. As a freelance, I will tell you, on a weekday, I am never available even for an hour. I am writing, even as I am sat idling away, I am thinking of something. So taking me off the laptop for ten minutes ruins my mojo. It messes it up, I will have to catch it the following day.
So when he invited me, of course I wanted to go but also I sat down, I like money and getting paid. I knew if I managed to do anything it would be a quarter of my pay and I would have to give up the rest. I and my need of getting paid decided to decline and told him I would get a rain check.
He tells me, I should not work on that day and just go for the lunch!!WHAT??? So, I sit down and twiddle my thumbs, go eat and not have anything to show for the day other than a full stomach.
It is not the first time it has happened either, another one asked me out for drinks. I rarely drink on weekdays because it can mess with me the following day and my writing. So I declined and explained my reason, I did not see the reason to hide it. He tells me, he will pay me for the following day’s work I just go. I tell him my hair does not cost that little, he says he will pay for the hair as well.
This is when my morals stepped in and I just answered it is not the same thing. My morals must have saved me too on that day it seems. Someone who is willing to pay you to go out for drinks should ring bells in your ears.
My point is I was not willing to compromise myself or my work for any of these men. The icing on this cake for any lady should be that in foregoing that one lunch I am getting a weekend of getting spoilt which I like very much if I might say so myself.
When you are starting something with someone, anyone, never let them make you compromise yourself, your work, and your schedule just because no one has ever taken you to the Emerald Garden for lunch. It will still be there, you can even take yourself. If not, Kenya has a very vibrant foodie’s scene, trust me, you will find something!
Do not rear from your independence, your independent thinking just so you can suit someone else’s. It is unhealthy and that is why majority of our parents do not look so good at the moment. All of you know that your mother must have been meant for bigger and better things. In their days a woman stepping out of her husband’s control and his way of thinking was shunned and as too much of a light skirt. Our mothers settled to do what our fathers wanted and that was just about raising children, working at the 8-5 job and keeping up the cycle. Yes, they are happy you are here, they did a good job-some of you may have not turned out as they wanted but they will lie through their teeth about how that was their ambition.
How do I know all this? Because my mother is such a terrible liar. When I was young she could feed me all the crap she wanted but these days I can tell. It reached a point I told her to stop lying and she told me this is not the life she had envisioned for herself. She eventually just chose to make it work because she had lost sight of everything else after marriage. Compromise of self just for a relationship-that is what it is called!
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