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Lying about sex saves relationships

23 July 2015, 13:51 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi -First of all let me start by saying I am a very terrible liar and I am sure so are the most of you who think you are actually good at it.

If you have been in a relationship for a while, you probably have a tell (what you do/ sign when you are lying) and your partner knows it. That is why when you are a couple you will rarely if ever get away with lying unless you are actually really good at it.

Every other person will tell you that honesty is the best thing that you can ever do for the success of you relationship. Which I agree with that. If you want something to actually work from the get go, you have to outline your expectations, wants and needs in an honest light. You cannot lie about those because that is setting yourself up.

What about sex? Same applies for sex. It is even better to be upfront in the beginning so that you can fix any re-occurring holes and see if both of you match in that compatibility department. Because the truth is as much as some people will tell you that sex is only a fraction of the relationship, it is true, but a very important fraction.

After going it at it for a while, unless you are in a long distance relationship or you rarely see each other, that spark fazes out from time to time. Also things change and what you might have liked or appreciated from the beginning does not seem to work anymore. In sex. Problem is that it will not happen the same for the both of you but for one of you and one partner ends up feeling unfulfilled.

You can talk about and fix everything else. Someone not behaving properly? You tell them, they do so to keep the peace. If they want to. Someone not communicating, you talk to them, and they can easily adjust on the same. That is all on the emotional level. To get to that level with your partner, you have to go through the physical level. You cannot be emotionally close to your partner if you are no longer into them in a physical and intimate level. In my opinion. You disagree? Look at it this way. Every time your partner touches you or tries to be intimate with you and you pull back, you close them off on an emotional level. They will not want to open up to someone who finds them either repulsive, disgusting or no longer attractive. Eventually, frustration kicks in and along with it so do some other things.

As I was saying, so what do you do if and when you no longer find your partner attractive? You are not yet old and grey and so are they; meaning that they still hope for that side of the relationship. This is when someone tells you that you will not understand what is wrong with the relationship. On the surface it looks good but it is suffering for them because one partner is not being satisfied. So you want to fix it because everything else is actually really good in the relationship and if you work on your sex lives it will all go back on track.

Do you lie when you are not in the mood? It is hard to fake arousal unless you have someone else in mind. That is a bad move because it will make you want them and not your partner eventually. I think, if you want to save the relationship, you should at least act interested but open yourself up to foreplay that leads up to sex. That way, even if you were not in the mood, you will be on your way there. Saying no every other time is what kills a relationship; that is why I said act even if you are not in the mood for your partner’s sake. Say you are willing even if you have to choke that word out but let them know that they have to be patient because you were not there with them yet. Unless you actually do find them repulsive which is what a constant no communicates.

Do you lie that it feels good and you are okay in the sex department when you are not? No. Do not. I do not think you should fake something that should actually be an enjoyment for you and your partner. This is one of the most fixable things. This does not work? I am sure that something else will do. If you are both willing to experiment and learn anew. Just tell your partner. The worst thing you will ever do is tell a lie that will be a constant. They will keep repeating it thinking it is good and you will be constantly have to put a face on just for that performance. Eventually you get tired and they will ask, ‘so this whole time….?’

What about their features? Young couples that are yet to have children have all the time to work on themselves. Not that I am giving an excuse for married couples but married couples are the ones that normally change. Here, you might have to actually lie to spare your spouse’s feelings if you do have a care for them.  If you are yet to be married on the other hand and attraction does actually faze out, you will have to think carefully on this. Committing to someone for the rest of your life is committing to fulfilling their desires. If they are no longer what you want, think very carefully because you are starting that relationship/ marriage on a really wrong foot. You are setting yourself up for cheating, not lying but actual cheating especially if it is something else that is making you tie that knot and not them.

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Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

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