Ladies... Ask him the tough questions
06 July 2015, 15:48
Nairobi - Recently, I got together with a longtime friend I had lost
touch with and she was narrating an ordeal. You already know it is an ordeal
where a man had to be involved. These men just do not know how to not get us in
those! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I should add that I had an
incredulous look the whole time because it just never stopped being shocking.
They had dated for a while. Two years, she had dropped out
of the grid and decided to be a homely women. So no one even knew what had been
happening with her because the man demanded that she have no contact with
anyone else. They start making plans for the wedding. Venue, rings, cake,
dress…everything. Down to the T! He drops her home after one weekend and drops
out of the grid. So after a while she wonders what happened to the guy, she
does not bother to call him since she has ‘a wedding’ to plan. She never hears
from the guy for a while, her pride demands she should not bother to call. As a
woman I should add that we normally apply this pride at the wrong time. A few
months down the line, and one day he sends a ‘hi’. Nothing else. No
explanation, no excuses, no damnation ….just ‘hi’! I like WhatsApp because in
this case it saved lives, or is it a certain girl? To go with the text was his
profile picture and it had all the information any girl would need. His face
with his new wife, all decked out in their wedding finery. She got the clue
here but to nail that coffin properly, further investigation on Facebook showed
the man at his wedding. To add salt to that injury, the rhetoric, the sarcasm,
the irony of this whole story- all that hard literature that gets away from us
the normal folk.
While she had been planning a wedding with him, she was not
planning it for herself but for another woman. She was foreign, she does not
know Kenya too well. So when she was choosing venues, she was choosing it for
her. When she was choosing caterers with the man, she was choosing for her. The
dress boutique and cake as well…everything she chose was for that other
Congolese woman. The man was calling to assure her that she was still the one
though. I gave a look that explained how stupid I felt she was by conversing
with that flea of a person.
I do not blame him at the end because even now when he has
shown his true colors, she is still talking to him. Why? At times as a woman
when you interact with your female friends you just end up asking yourself if
you are also dumb because some of them make the stupidest decisions and do dumb
things. In this case are you a type that roams with the same flock or are you
wiser than most. I even drew up a list of my friends to figure out if I am a
dumb person who has dumb people around her. Prevention is better than cure. I
digress again. The topic is on how women let relationships get away from them.
Is it because you do not ask the right questions or to some
because the man takes care of you, you do not ask at all. Is it because we do
not care at all just because we are happy to now at least tell people (mum,
family, relatives) that we have a man/ boyfriend? Are we the ones that allow
for situations from the decisions that we make or do not make?
Maybe it is because of your job or career. You are in a
relationship yes, but the only time you get to see this person is on a weekend.
At times you do not see them for a couple of weekends because the both of you
have hectic schedules. You barely get the time to actually sit down and talk to
the other person. Your conversations feature two minute conversations in a day
and a myriad of text messages. We have no idea what this other person is doing,
does, what they are about, what their intentions to us are. Because like her,
at the end of the day, that once a week treat was good enough to show that he
actually cared. When he was with her he was on his best behavior and a really
good person. Problem is, she never asked and it was all getting away from her
because she allowed it. She never asked about the other six days of the week or
what the last two weekends he missed were about.
At times you just want to walk on egg shells with this
person because you do not want to lose them. Either they are older than you and
seem to not want to entertain nonsense. Nonsense in this case is all form of
probing questions. You do not want to look like a nag with your badgering. You
do not want them to cancel the date on you because you dared to make them
uncomfortable. That is how women let relationships get away from them.
You will say how he was a flea, the scum in the pit latrine,
the man about town but at the end of the day, he is not all that if you did not
want to ask. If you were afraid to destabilize your relationship by probing
were you should have do not cry. He is not a flea if you did not take any
preventive measures but allowed him to do what he wants.
How did he lie when you never asked in the first place? Do
not excuse yourself by saying it was a lie by omission. That only applies when
you actually ask and they leave some
details out. Just because someone asks you out does not mean they are single.
Never forget Kenyan men are allowed more than one wife by law. Ask if you do
not like sharing. You choose to assume because that makes you more comfortable.
Anything that is comfortable, has some cracks in it. Make someone uncomfortable
now and save yourself the grief. There is someone that is trying to be in a
relationship with me. I like knowing the devils I am dealing with. So that
weekend of Father’s day, just as we were having a conversation I just wished
him a Happy Father’s day. All smiles and blissful joy in my face. He had not
said he was a father and that must have been our second time meeting. But I
needed to get that out of the way. He looked at me like I was confused and
needed Bedlam real quick but at least I had my answer. Not from the verbatim he
gave me but by reading his expressions. Was it fear (that says he has something
to hide) or was it confusion (this one is the charm)! But be careful, it might
be confusion from not knowing whether he left his phone with you and you saw
his wife’s texts.
He was uncomfortable then, I did it on purpose and you as
the woman, I advise you to do the same. Do not let a relationship get away from
you by allowing comfort. Rock it now so that you can relax later since you have
gotten the heavy questions out of the way.
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