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Ladies... Ask him the tough questions

06 July 2015, 15:48 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - Recently, I got together with a longtime friend I had lost touch with and she was narrating an ordeal. You already know it is an ordeal where a man had to be involved. These men just do not know how to not get us in those! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I should add that I had an incredulous look the whole time because it just never stopped being shocking.

They had dated for a while. Two years, she had dropped out of the grid and decided to be a homely women. So no one even knew what had been happening with her because the man demanded that she have no contact with anyone else. They start making plans for the wedding. Venue, rings, cake, dress…everything. Down to the T! He drops her home after one weekend and drops out of the grid. So after a while she wonders what happened to the guy, she does not bother to call him since she has ‘a wedding’ to plan. She never hears from the guy for a while, her pride demands she should not bother to call. As a woman I should add that we normally apply this pride at the wrong time. A few months down the line, and one day he sends a ‘hi’. Nothing else. No explanation, no excuses, no damnation ….just ‘hi’! I like WhatsApp because in this case it saved lives, or is it a certain girl? To go with the text was his profile picture and it had all the information any girl would need. His face with his new wife, all decked out in their wedding finery. She got the clue here but to nail that coffin properly, further investigation on Facebook showed the man at his wedding. To add salt to that injury, the rhetoric, the sarcasm, the irony of this whole story- all that hard literature that gets away from us the normal folk.

While she had been planning a wedding with him, she was not planning it for herself but for another woman. She was foreign, she does not know Kenya too well. So when she was choosing venues, she was choosing it for her. When she was choosing caterers with the man, she was choosing for her. The dress boutique and cake as well…everything she chose was for that other Congolese woman. The man was calling to assure her that she was still the one though. I gave a look that explained how stupid I felt she was by conversing with that flea of a person.

I do not blame him at the end because even now when he has shown his true colors, she is still talking to him. Why? At times as a woman when you interact with your female friends you just end up asking yourself if you are also dumb because some of them make the stupidest decisions and do dumb things. In this case are you a type that roams with the same flock or are you wiser than most. I even drew up a list of my friends to figure out if I am a dumb person who has dumb people around her. Prevention is better than cure. I digress again. The topic is on how women let relationships get away from them.

Is it because you do not ask the right questions or to some because the man takes care of you, you do not ask at all. Is it because we do not care at all just because we are happy to now at least tell people (mum, family, relatives) that we have a man/ boyfriend? Are we the ones that allow for situations from the decisions that we make or do not make?

Maybe it is because of your job or career. You are in a relationship yes, but the only time you get to see this person is on a weekend. At times you do not see them for a couple of weekends because the both of you have hectic schedules. You barely get the time to actually sit down and talk to the other person. Your conversations feature two minute conversations in a day and a myriad of text messages. We have no idea what this other person is doing, does, what they are about, what their intentions to us are. Because like her, at the end of the day, that once a week treat was good enough to show that he actually cared. When he was with her he was on his best behavior and a really good person. Problem is, she never asked and it was all getting away from her because she allowed it. She never asked about the other six days of the week or what the last two weekends he missed were about.

At times you just want to walk on egg shells with this person because you do not want to lose them. Either they are older than you and seem to not want to entertain nonsense. Nonsense in this case is all form of probing questions. You do not want to look like a nag with your badgering. You do not want them to cancel the date on you because you dared to make them uncomfortable. That is how women let relationships get away from them.

You will say how he was a flea, the scum in the pit latrine, the man about town but at the end of the day, he is not all that if you did not want to ask. If you were afraid to destabilize your relationship by probing were you should have do not cry. He is not a flea if you did not take any preventive measures but allowed him to do what he wants.

How did he lie when you never asked in the first place? Do not excuse yourself by saying it was a lie by omission. That only applies when you actually ask and they leave some details out. Just because someone asks you out does not mean they are single. Never forget Kenyan men are allowed more than one wife by law. Ask if you do not like sharing. You choose to assume because that makes you more comfortable. Anything that is comfortable, has some cracks in it. Make someone uncomfortable now and save yourself the grief. There is someone that is trying to be in a relationship with me. I like knowing the devils I am dealing with. So that weekend of Father’s day, just as we were having a conversation I just wished him a Happy Father’s day. All smiles and blissful joy in my face. He had not said he was a father and that must have been our second time meeting. But I needed to get that out of the way. He looked at me like I was confused and needed Bedlam real quick but at least I had my answer. Not from the verbatim he gave me but by reading his expressions. Was it fear (that says he has something to hide) or was it confusion (this one is the charm)! But be careful, it might be confusion from not knowing whether he left his phone with you and you saw his wife’s texts.

He was uncomfortable then, I did it on purpose and you as the woman, I advise you to do the same. Do not let a relationship get away from you by allowing comfort. Rock it now so that you can relax later since you have gotten the heavy questions out of the way.

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