I want a separate room from my husband
22 June 2015, 15:13
Nairobi - My idea of space in a marriage/ relationship may strike one
as unnatural, westernized or dumb.
Marriage experts would argue I do not know
what I am talking about. Blissful, honeymooning couple will say I am
delusional. The pastor will say I am not Christian enough or some other
heathenish name. My parents will …oh, my mother, she will not know about it
unless she visits-unexpectedly! Single
people might agree with me. People who like their independence might agree with
Let me tell you how I arrived to my conclusion and thought
of the merits and demerits. I was reading browsing through an article and it
was talking about the age old saying, ‘couples should not sleep on an
argument’. In my mind, there are just some arguments that can be easily solved
quickly and there are some that need time and space. So, I asked myself where I
would get space if every room in the house is shared or already occupied and
you already share the bedroom with your spouse on a daily basis unless they
travel. You cannot hope they travel on the day you argue.
That is how some people end up borrowing accommodation from
friends, relatives or not just having a place to go when they need time out
from their partner. At that point they are usually telling you how they do not
mind the intrusion, or you are not inconveniencing them but thing is, you have
just called out of the blue and they had not made plans for you. It is also the
same way people get bad advice because you arrive being angry and they either
add the fire or simmer it down. Most of the time they add fire. It is also the same way, your business gets
out of your household because you were stranded and had to rely on some
neighbor for help.
I decided it would probably be a good idea to have a room
where mother (I) could withdraw if it
all gets out of hand.
It would just be my room, no children, no daddy or anyone to
interfere with my space. They could visit but it could be a refuge of sorts for
me to relax, unwind from the drama, think and have a place to go if I needed
space. Because at times, some arguments cannot just be solved without proper
thinking and with the right type of closure. Sometimes you need alone time
without someone bickering in the background. At times you do not want to fight
for the remote and have to bear everyone’s attitude. At times you as a mother
can forget that you also need to take care of yourself and think of you so that
you can be alright to take care of everybody else. You cannot do that if you
are clouded in judgment, miserable or need alone time but have nowhere to go. The kitchen is not your
personal space neither is the guest room. We need that room that is just
personalized enough for us that reminds us when we are there not to forget to
take care of us. Our mothers forgot to take care of themselves as we grew up
and at times they feel desolate when they see things not turning out as they
expected and feel they have wasted a lifetime.
A personalized room can also be a bad idea if not used as it
should. In a marriage. You need to know it is not the place to go and hide away
from problems. Not want to solve anything. Or have a schedule of when to be in
your marital bedroom and when to be in your room. Using it to get away from
having sex in a relationship is a bad idea. It is a place to relax, not a place
to be used as a barrier against your spouse. That is usually the main concern
when people want to keep a personal space in the house. When you use it as a barrier in
Space can turn out to be distance in a relationship. If you
want to have it, be in the right mind to know how and when you can use it. Be
mature enough to know that it is not an escape plan but a rejuvenation plan.
Know the difference! Know how it can be used to create a healthy relationship
with your partner rather than creating an unhealthy one. If you are not an adult, you need not apply!
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