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Can you change your partner?

08 July 2015, 14:49 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - And it is not just women alone that fall into that trap but men too have lied to themselves that they are the one or if they can get that woman into a situation (read pregnant or married) that she will be able to change.

Do people change? Yes, they do. All the time in fact. Can you change someone? Yes you can BUT only if they want to.

Yes, people do change but only if they are the ones that want that change. There is only so much that you can do with someone or for someone that you are in a relationship with. You can want the best for them but you cannot make them want it for themselves.

You may want to help turn their lives around. Give them a better life, help them change their ways and create better habits but if they do not want to go for those group meetings, wake up early and get to work then they are the lost cause.

Most of us want to change someone but it is for our selfish reasons. You can deny it all you want but there is always something that you are getting out of it.

For example, when it comes to helping someone get a job or an even better job. It may be a relative or a spouse. It is much easier when it is the relative for you to admit that you were doing it for them and to give them something but at the back of your mind that is one less person that can depend on you. That is one less person that you have to think of when you are giving out handouts. That is one less person’s kids that you do not have to worry where the school fees will come from. That is just one less load.

When it comes to your partner and you are teaching them ‘how to fish’ or so to speak; the benefits are more. You have double the income, an extra source that will help pay off the bills and even if it is not for all that at least you are now sure they can take care of themselves while you take care of the other matters. There always something more that you are getting when you are changing someone for the best or hoping for the best for them.

If we take out all the monetary gains, let us think why we all hate it when people in relationships are hoping to change someone. A woman gets pregnant for a man, a man impregnates a woman. It normally happens without a discussion or permission from the other party. They are pregnant and you are now thinking that impending fatherhood or motherhood will make them a much better person. It will make them more nurturing, caring and responsible. Rarely happens especially when you forced it on someone. This type of situation usually happens when someone is in a bad relationship. Everyone else see and is warning you against being with that partner. How they are not good for you but you are now hoping that you will finally prove them wrong because their change for the better will show that side that you see at night when you sleep next to them. If they did not forget to come home.

You want to prove to the world that they are not the mistake that they have all been cautioning you against all this while. You are hoping against all hope that you did not just waste all those primetime years on someone who was in the end not worth all of that and more. Change can be about that, regrets that you are trying to make a sense of.

Rushing someone into marriage. Yes, there are people who change after marriage become the people who they are meant to be; but it is because they wanted it. The marriage and with that person because they have some care for that person and they want to be responsible for them and so that they cannot disappoint them.

You just marry that person who has shown you from the beginning how they feel about you, and not in a positive way hoping that they will change. They do not like you now. They do not treat you right now. They do not care for you now. Marriage and a forced relationship will not change that. It will only make matters worse. For you, your people and maybe a child who will have one unsupportive and uncaring parent.

When you want to change someone, make sure you are doing it with a person that wants it with you. Not because you want it for them.

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