Can you change your partner?
08 July 2015, 14:49
Nairobi - And it is not just women alone that fall into that trap but
men too have lied to themselves that they are the one or if they can get that
woman into a situation (read pregnant or married) that she will be able to
Do people change? Yes, they do. All the time in fact. Can
you change someone? Yes you can BUT only if they want to.
Yes, people do change but only if they are the ones that
want that change. There is only so much that you can do with someone or for
someone that you are in a relationship with. You can want the best for them but
you cannot make them want it for themselves.
You may want to help turn their lives around. Give them a
better life, help them change their ways and create better habits but if they
do not want to go for those group meetings, wake up early and get to work then
they are the lost cause.
Most of us want to change someone but it is for our selfish
reasons. You can deny it all you want but there is always something that you
are getting out of it.
For example, when it comes to helping someone get a job or
an even better job. It may be a relative or a spouse. It is much easier when it
is the relative for you to admit that you were doing it for them and to give
them something but at the back of your mind that is one less person that can
depend on you. That is one less person that you have to think of when you are
giving out handouts. That is one less person’s kids that you do not have to
worry where the school fees will come from. That is just one less load.
When it comes to your partner and you are teaching them ‘how
to fish’ or so to speak; the benefits are more. You have double the income, an
extra source that will help pay off the bills and even if it is not for all
that at least you are now sure they can take care of themselves while you take
care of the other matters. There always something more that you are getting
when you are changing someone for the best or hoping for the best for them.
If we take out all the monetary gains, let us think why we
all hate it when people in relationships are hoping to change someone. A woman
gets pregnant for a man, a man impregnates a woman. It normally happens without
a discussion or permission from the other party. They are pregnant and you are
now thinking that impending fatherhood or motherhood will make them a much
better person. It will make them more nurturing, caring and responsible. Rarely
happens especially when you forced it on someone. This type of situation
usually happens when someone is in a bad relationship. Everyone else see and is
warning you against being with that partner. How they are not good for you but
you are now hoping that you will finally prove them wrong because their change
for the better will show that side that you see at night when you sleep next to
them. If they did not forget to come home.
You want to prove to the world that they are not the mistake
that they have all been cautioning you against all this while. You are hoping
against all hope that you did not just waste all those primetime years on
someone who was in the end not worth all of that and more. Change can be about
that, regrets that you are trying to make a sense of.
Rushing someone into marriage. Yes, there are people who
change after marriage become the people who they are meant to be; but it is
because they wanted it. The marriage and with that person because they have
some care for that person and they want to be responsible for them and so that
they cannot disappoint them.
You just marry that person who has shown you from the
beginning how they feel about you, and not in a positive way hoping that they
will change. They do not like you now. They do not treat you right now. They do
not care for you now. Marriage and a forced relationship will not change that.
It will only make matters worse. For you, your people and maybe a child who
will have one unsupportive and uncaring parent.
When you want to change someone, make sure you are doing it
with a person that wants it with you. Not because you want it
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