A man should not marry early
23 March 2015, 17:10
Nairobi - The worst thing you can do to yourself is marry someone that
a year down the line you cannot stand. I guess that is why I am not in a rush
trying to get myself down the aisle or rushing to the registry to get myself
hitched onto some man’s backbone.
I woke up this
morning and the first thing on my Facebook is a friend of mine was getting
married. When it is a woman friend of mine, that is not too shocking for me.
Let us be realistic, as much as we talk about women being bread winners and
supporting the household it can be different especially if it is a young
couple. It is never 100% the woman. If a woman is getting married, she is being
taken in by the man and his family. The only thing that may change in her life
may be her productivity coming sooner and at times stalling her career as she
settles into married life.
Now the man on the other hand, the burden has become twofold
even if they are yet to have children, the burden doubles. He now has a wife to
support. He has to make more money than before because chances are the living
situation will have to change. If they are not careful the children then come
in and the burden is now triple. He has to fast track his career because now it
is not just about him, God forbid he gets fired or is in-between jobs that is
when love is tested.
The friend that is getting married is a man, I am even
having trouble with seeing him as such because he might be younger than I am.
We just graduated last year and he is already trying to get married.
Congratulations are in order but I am really worried for him. I think he has
had an intoxicating case of coming into manhood after completing school and
‘being’ in love at the same time. That is the worst combination because that is
when bad decisions are made. The engagement rings look really expensive, so
either he has those high end minting jobs that I do not know about or his PARENTS did the buying.
I am looking at this whole situation in one way. Majority of
men get married at an older age as compared to their female counterparts for a
reason. They need to build their careers because this is Africa, the man will
always be a supporter no matter what century he chooses to support. Their
careers have to come first before family because in order to have that family
you need to have a good career going. This guy has me worried because he has
yet to have those.
Love can only take you so far, because when the going gets
tough that is when people start asking themselves questions at night. Whether
they made the right decision? If that is the right person you are with? Why you
rushed? This after you have spent all that money, or your parents spent, on a
wedding. After stalling a career, you now regret. This guy will not be staying
late at work doing overtime to get promoted. He will also not be out there
doing outside business deals. He will be rushing home to take care of a wife as
compared to the counterparts. That is what marriage does to a young man. It
divides your loyalties, you cannot have both. If you are guided by ‘love’ you
will choose the wife at the expense of your career and business.
Another reason, I am not trying to multiply myself and
contribute to population; I have only lived an odd 20-something years.
Technically all of that was under the parents, I am yet to be by myself before
adding other people in my life. I have to be an authority in my life before I
get to be under my husband’s authority. Getting married young is tricky, I do
not want to be forty and start wondering who I really am because while I was in
my prime I was changing ruling powers and dictatorships. That is another reason
I am worried for my friend. As a woman, I know how our mind works. We can get
over intoxicated in a situation, but after it passes, self-doubt comes in and
it can make us do dumb things. Right now she may be in it, but in a few years
if she feels that they rushed, she will not blame herself but him. It may build
resentment, especially if she does not have anything to show about herself
other than a man and children. Divorce
is all good, but before that, you have pledged an entire lifetime to one person
without experiencing who you really are. What if you live to 100, and your life
is just work-home-children. Day in day out. You can never take a break from
family. You can go for a vacation but they will be there when you come back.
People like to think only about the tidy bits when it comes
to marriage. They forget that is a lifetime commitment to another entity that
breeds another generation under them. Rushing into it without clear mature
thought and planning then it is doomed to fail.
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