4 signs you should leave him
01 January 2016, 15:56
Nairobi - When a woman complains she did not have any idea that this
was the kind of man he was you have to wonder if she had gone through the whole
relationship with her eyes closed. The signs are always there you just to ignore
them because you are in love.
As usual December was not a holiday for me but working
albeit in the unprofessional role of being a therapist. Listening to a married
woman’s woes and how she is bitter and angry at her old age. She was regretting
the choice she made in the husband she chose. She has never been happy because
she was brought up in a disagreeable environment but she had hope. She hoped
when she finally went into her own home, her husband’s home she would finally
be happy in married life but alas that was not to be. She has never known the
joy of being treated as a woman, taken out and given the simple care she hears
about. She knows there are good men out there but she rushed into marriage at a
young age and has known only that one. She is now very angry because she is
looking at all the wasted years with the one man that has disappointed her. She is very bitter and resentful. Old age in a
bad marriage looks like this, silent treatment and a couple barely saying a
word to each other-even in pretense.
As she was telling me a story, I picked up the bits and
pieces and I had to stare at her incredulously because the signs were always
there but as women usually do, she hoped he will change and if she acted as a
‘supportive’ wife. I will give you the signs she ignored and I will add some of
When it is end month
How a man behaves when it is end month will tell you a whole
lot about the situation of your relationship and how he views it. It will also
tell you if he has a job or is sneaking around pretending to have one. End
month for the jobless man pretending to have a job or source of income is
usually showcased with him being panicky, giving you silent treatment or
starting a quarrel out of nothing so that you tread carefully where he is concerned
and not bother him too much. The quarrels or moods usually come in at the 20th when he is meant to be getting a ‘salary’,
this way you will feel so guilty you will choose to pay whatever bills need
Second scenario is as it was with her case; one time they
needed rent of about KES 1500, it was those old times. He started the
experiment by giving her 700, notice he did not go and pay himself, this way,
she had to add 800. Nothing wrong with helping the partner, isn’t it? But that
started a chain until eventually he stopped paying altogether. Her first
mistake because now she is worried about paying the child’s fee of KES 200,000
a semester and she knows there is no help coming from him. That one time long
ago, set the tune for their whole relationship until 20 years later. So ladies,
do you still think you never get the signs? She has had to educate her children
with little or no help from him because of that one time she thought if I am
supportive, he will accept me as a wife better and treat me nicely.
When a man listens
more to his friends than to you, run!
It will cause problems later on in your relationship because
we all know not all friendships are genuine. There is always that culprit
starting trouble because of a host of his own reasons. If you lose the first
arguments because of what they said, you should be worried. That friend will
one day see you in honest business but the way it will get back to your husband
you will think you were walking the streets. Not many men understand the
implications of marriage and choosing you as a partner over everybody else.
Choose a man that does that for you and leave Tinkering Billy and his buddies
to continue being married to each other.
When caught in traffic
Always watch a man and his car and the way he drives then
watch him when you two are in traffic or a matatu
swerves in front of you people. One virtue or lack of it that you get to
know about him is his patience level. A
man, who gets angry and gets into words with the makangas, bare strangers mind you, should worry you. If he is not
patient with people who do not even matter or are of no concern why should you
think it will be different with you. I had one of these; you can already guess
what I did after that encounter. He can pretend but for how long, because it
will eventually come out. Marriage has a way of testing your patience. How a
man treats his car is the same way he will treat you; if it is offensive to the
eye and driven on dirt roads without a care; well now you know!
He never wants you to
go anywhere on the excuse of children
She once asked him if they could go out, the comeback was, ‘Na unawachia nani watoto? ‘Who are you
leaving the kids with?’ They had a maid mind you but she gave in while he went
out. See this here is why some man will think I am very unreasonable because if
you do not want to take me anywhere; whom am I meant to go with? That one time
she gave in, the man never thought she was good enough to take anywhere. That
set the tune for the whole marriage and largely why she is bitter because she
claims to have never seen or experienced Kenya, leave alone the world.
For the women that are not yet in such a situation a piece
of advice; if you know you will not stand for something from a man, let it be
known from the get go. Men are usually experimenting to see how far you will
go. So when you bend, they set the bar lower and lower until it hits their
spot. Be upfront and the signs are there; so open your eyes and stop acting
blind and giving excuses.
For her, the only advice I was able to give her was she
cannot continue being bitter over what has already happened. She can just take
her money and go have a good time on her own on a vacation or give herself a
spa date whenever she gets the time. But as with women from that time, she
cannot have fun alone unless she has someone to go with so I guess I lost!
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