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4 signs you should leave him

01 January 2016, 15:56 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - When a woman complains she did not have any idea that this was the kind of man he was you have to wonder if she had gone through the whole relationship with her eyes closed. The signs are always there you just to ignore them because you are in love.

As usual December was not a holiday for me but working albeit in the unprofessional role of being a therapist. Listening to a married woman’s woes and how she is bitter and angry at her old age. She was regretting the choice she made in the husband she chose. She has never been happy because she was brought up in a disagreeable environment but she had hope. She hoped when she finally went into her own home, her husband’s home she would finally be happy in married life but alas that was not to be. She has never known the joy of being treated as a woman, taken out and given the simple care she hears about. She knows there are good men out there but she rushed into marriage at a young age and has known only that one. She is now very angry because she is looking at all the wasted years with the one man that has disappointed her.  She is very bitter and resentful. Old age in a bad marriage looks like this, silent treatment and a couple barely saying a word to each other-even in pretense.

As she was telling me a story, I picked up the bits and pieces and I had to stare at her incredulously because the signs were always there but as women usually do, she hoped he will change and if she acted as a ‘supportive’ wife. I will give you the signs she ignored and I will add some of my own.

When it is end month

How a man behaves when it is end month will tell you a whole lot about the situation of your relationship and how he views it. It will also tell you if he has a job or is sneaking around pretending to have one. End month for the jobless man pretending to have a job or source of income is usually showcased with him being panicky, giving you silent treatment or starting a quarrel out of nothing so that you tread carefully where he is concerned and not bother him too much. The quarrels or moods usually come in at the 20th when he is meant to be getting a ‘salary’, this way you will feel so guilty you will choose to pay whatever bills need paying.

Second scenario is as it was with her case; one time they needed rent of about KES 1500, it was those old times. He started the experiment by giving her 700, notice he did not go and pay himself, this way, she had to add 800. Nothing wrong with helping the partner, isn’t it? But that started a chain until eventually he stopped paying altogether. Her first mistake because now she is worried about paying the child’s fee of KES 200,000 a semester and she knows there is no help coming from him. That one time long ago, set the tune for their whole relationship until 20 years later. So ladies, do you still think you never get the signs? She has had to educate her children with little or no help from him because of that one time she thought if I am supportive, he will accept me as a wife better and treat me nicely.

When a man listens more to his friends than to you, run!

It will cause problems later on in your relationship because we all know not all friendships are genuine. There is always that culprit starting trouble because of a host of his own reasons. If you lose the first arguments because of what they said, you should be worried. That friend will one day see you in honest business but the way it will get back to your husband you will think you were walking the streets. Not many men understand the implications of marriage and choosing you as a partner over everybody else. Choose a man that does that for you and leave Tinkering Billy and his buddies to continue being married to each other.

When caught in traffic

Always watch a man and his car and the way he drives then watch him when you two are in traffic or a matatu swerves in front of you people. One virtue or lack of it that you get to know about him is his patience level.  A man, who gets angry and gets into words with the makangas, bare strangers mind you, should worry you. If he is not patient with people who do not even matter or are of no concern why should you think it will be different with you. I had one of these; you can already guess what I did after that encounter. He can pretend but for how long, because it will eventually come out. Marriage has a way of testing your patience. How a man treats his car is the same way he will treat you; if it is offensive to the eye and driven on dirt roads without a care; well now you know!

He never wants you to go anywhere on the excuse of children

She once asked him if they could go out, the comeback was, ‘Na unawachia nani watoto? ‘Who are you leaving the kids with?’ They had a maid mind you but she gave in while he went out. See this here is why some man will think I am very unreasonable because if you do not want to take me anywhere; whom am I meant to go with? That one time she gave in, the man never thought she was good enough to take anywhere. That set the tune for the whole marriage and largely why she is bitter because she claims to have never seen or experienced Kenya, leave alone the world.

For the women that are not yet in such a situation a piece of advice; if you know you will not stand for something from a man, let it be known from the get go. Men are usually experimenting to see how far you will go. So when you bend, they set the bar lower and lower until it hits their spot. Be upfront and the signs are there; so open your eyes and stop acting blind and giving excuses.

For her, the only advice I was able to give her was she cannot continue being bitter over what has already happened. She can just take her money and go have a good time on her own on a vacation or give herself a spa date whenever she gets the time. But as with women from that time, she cannot have fun alone unless she has someone to go with so I guess I lost!

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