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4 reasons he does not want you

08 July 2015, 16:16 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - Most people who are in a relationship look at it as simply dating one person even though it has been going on for a long period of time. Men just settle into the routine while women look at it as, after a few months, this might just be long term.

It is easier and simpler when you do not have to question some things or worry about anything. We are here. The relationship is working so we will just go with the flow. It is not that people decide not to talk about some things, or decide not to be bothered, they just learn to be comfortable in the routine.

Going with the flow is never bad especially when you are still getting to know someone but the mistake that a lot of couples make is when they do not get bothered after a couple of years when it is just not dating anymore but you have moved in and you are inching towards being a mature couple. There are some things that you need to discuss. You do not want to spend years with someone and one day, you make a suggestion or want to do something and they tell you they never wanted it in the first place. It was not on their agenda. Why did you not say something? We can touch on each other’s vision and or course or how the both of you want to grow. But I wanted to speak of: children, marriage, career and religion.


I started with this one instead of marriage because more often than not, couples get kids first and maybe a wedding or none.

A boyfriend of someone had a rule when they got together. Do not have children while we are together. ‘I do not want children, ever!’ Three years later, she is pregnant, she does not tell him because she was already warned. He finds out but the man does not ask for a confrontation like what we are all used to, he disappeared. He has never resurfaced. He did not want children and she was not the one to change that for him. We can argue as I argued internally that maybe she was a side chick and he already had children but believe it or not there are some people both men and women who do not want children at all.

What you need to ask yourself is whether your partner wants kids like you or they do not want kids just like you do not want them. It is not something that you get into after dating for a year but when it gets serious, ask. Do not assume. You do not want to raise a child on your own or be in a marriage hoping for one but someone already ties his or her tubes. You are tied to them permanently, you are trying for years and they already sorted it out without your knowledge. Or you might want one child while they want five. Ask.


Did you know that someone can be with you for years but not want to officiate it? Maybe they are escapist. Maybe they are misers who do not want a wedding? Or maybe they have seen people that are married not ever making it just because a certificate got in the way.

With marriage, there is a certain sound of permanence or ring of responsibility that a lot of people cannot handle. I mentioned the comfort of routine earlier and some people look at it this way; it is working out now without all the frippery and license that in-laws get just because you married into that family, so why ruin it? Not because they are trying to shortchange you or they do not appreciate you. At times it has nothing to do with you but just a decision they made with regard to themselves.

Again, ask. Just ask your partner and make sure that you are both on the same boat. Do not go in hoping to change someone’s mind on something they decide years ago.


These days, a partner who can support themselves and something going on outside from your relationship other than you is a good look. A woman or man who is ambitious, hardworking or making money and not beg, beg, beg looks really good on any arm.

You are dating and like I said, dating and being permanently tied to one person forever are two different things. The career looks good now but there are some professions or businesses that take your partner away. When you are dating, those few hours once a week do not really matter. You live apart and they make it up next weekend. What about living with them and seeing them once a week? That is when it pinches you. You do not want them to make it up but be there at least 80% of the time. If your partner does not support you in your career it is bound to cause conflict.

You need a partner that supports you all the way. They need to understand you and not make it difficult later on when you have settled down with them. Making demands on your time, money, responsibilities or you when they already know you could not.


Includes church. In Kenya, rarely do you see people from two totally different religions come together. I am talking about Buddhist and Christian or a man changing into being a Muslim for his girlfriend or vice versa.  We can talk about that my Bukusu darling circus but see how that ended up?

Kenyans at times do not like complicating some things. Not Christian? I will just find a Christian like me. Not Muslim? It will not work. It has always worked that way.

But what about churches? Christian but what church? Are you willing to change your beliefs for your partner? Are you willing to change your church? While dating, you will feel good that your girlfriend is SDA. So on Saturday while you sleep, they are at church and on Sunday they will not bother you to wake up in your drunken stupor. But when you are married? What will the both of you do? Not go to church or one will have to change? Who will make the right change for the kids?

Ask yourself…or rather ask each other!

- MyNews24

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

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