4 reasons he does not want you
08 July 2015, 16:16
Nairobi - Most people who are in a relationship look at it as simply
dating one person even though it has been going on for a long period of time.
Men just settle into the routine while women look at it as, after a few months,
this might just be long term.
It is easier and simpler when you do not have to question
some things or worry about anything. We are here. The relationship is working
so we will just go with the flow. It is not that people decide not to talk
about some things, or decide not to be bothered, they just learn to be
comfortable in the routine.
Going with the flow is never bad especially when you are
still getting to know someone but the mistake that a lot of couples make is
when they do not get bothered after a couple of years when it is just not
dating anymore but you have moved in and you are inching towards being a mature
couple. There are some things that you need to discuss. You do not want to
spend years with someone and one day, you make a suggestion or want to do
something and they tell you they never wanted it in the first place. It was not
on their agenda. Why did you not say something? We can touch on each other’s
vision and or course or how the both of you want to grow. But I wanted to speak
of: children, marriage, career and religion.
I started with this one instead of marriage because more
often than not, couples get kids first and maybe a wedding or none.
A boyfriend of someone had a rule when they got together. Do
not have children while we are together. ‘I do not want children, ever!’ Three
years later, she is pregnant, she does not tell him because she was already
warned. He finds out but the man does not ask for a confrontation like what we
are all used to, he disappeared. He has never resurfaced. He did not want
children and she was not the one to change that for him. We can argue as I
argued internally that maybe she was a side chick and he already had children
but believe it or not there are some people both men and women who do not want
children at all.
What you need to ask yourself is whether your partner wants
kids like you or they do not want kids just like you do not want them. It is
not something that you get into after dating for a year but when it gets
serious, ask. Do not assume. You do not want to raise a child on your own or be
in a marriage hoping for one but someone already ties his or her tubes. You are
tied to them permanently, you are trying for years and they already sorted it
out without your knowledge. Or you might want one child while they want five.
Did you know that someone can be with you for years but not
want to officiate it? Maybe they are escapist. Maybe they are misers who do not
want a wedding? Or maybe they have seen people that are married not ever making
it just because a certificate got in the way.
With marriage, there is a certain sound of permanence or
ring of responsibility that a lot of people cannot handle. I mentioned the
comfort of routine earlier and some people look at it this way; it is working
out now without all the frippery and license that in-laws get just because you
married into that family, so why ruin it? Not because they are trying to shortchange
you or they do not appreciate you. At times it has nothing to do with you but
just a decision they made with regard to themselves.
Again, ask. Just ask your partner and make sure that you are
both on the same boat. Do not go in hoping to change someone’s mind on
something they decide years ago.
These days, a partner who can support themselves and
something going on outside from your relationship other than you is a good
look. A woman or man who is ambitious, hardworking or making money and not beg,
beg, beg looks really good on any arm.
You are dating and like I said, dating and being permanently
tied to one person forever are two different things. The career looks good now
but there are some professions or businesses that take your partner away. When
you are dating, those few hours once a week do not really matter. You live
apart and they make it up next weekend. What about living with them and seeing
them once a week? That is when it pinches you. You do not want them to make it
up but be there at least 80% of the time. If your partner does not support you
in your career it is bound to cause conflict.
You need a partner that supports you all the way. They need
to understand you and not make it difficult later on when you have settled down
with them. Making demands on your time, money, responsibilities or you when
they already know you could not.
Includes church. In Kenya, rarely do you see people from two
totally different religions come together. I am talking about Buddhist and Christian
or a man changing into being a Muslim for his girlfriend or vice versa. We can talk about that my Bukusu darling circus but see how that ended up?
Kenyans at times do not like complicating some things. Not
Christian? I will just find a Christian like me. Not Muslim? It will not work.
It has always worked that way.
But what about churches? Christian but what church? Are you
willing to change your beliefs for your partner? Are you willing to change your
church? While dating, you will feel good that your girlfriend is SDA. So on
Saturday while you sleep, they are at church and on Sunday they will not bother
you to wake up in your drunken stupor. But when you are married? What will the
both of you do? Not go to church or one will have to change? Who will make the
right change for the kids?
Ask yourself…or rather ask each other!
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