3 ways to know if you are ready for marriage
16 April 2015, 15:13
Nairobi - The terms are starting to be a bit confusing. For majority of you not for me.
Because that is what the most of us get ready for. We prepare for the wedding, get excited about it but forget about after the wedding, which is the real thing-the marriage.
There is a reason why there are high divorce rates this days as compared to the older days. We think about the wedding dress that we are going to where, where it should be imported from and by what designer and how much it should cost-no renting allowed. You want to be able to lift your head and keep a brave face in front of your female ‘friends’ who had about the same thing. We do not want to be the cheap one in the group. Then there is the rings- soon Cartier will set up shop in Kenya.
We think about the venue, if you can ship or fly people out of the region, the better. The cost of food, who and what to invite, the list goes on and on and on. I would bury myself six feet under before I took out a loan to pay for a wedding or any such frivolous things. That is what people are doing this days, you go out of your way to spend on something that will end in a day and leave you with a huge debt to carry after that day.
So at times, is it down and the list I have keeps changing. Growing up I was a bit skeptical, actually I was a huge critic of come we stay arrangements between couples. As time goes by though am re-evaluating and starting to see the advantages of actually staying with someone without wasting all that money then a few months down the line pull back and start crying divorce. I am not an advocate of divorce. If I am carrying someone’s children even if it is one, you best believe we are tied for a lifetime.
So, I prepare myself by asking myself a couple of questions that you should ask yourself too.
What am I committing to?
Is it a life (marriage is a completely new life) of upheaval, stress, discord, lack of corporation and loneliness (you can be lonely in a marriage). What are the two of you expecting from the marriage. Is it just because one of you is ready to have children and the other just happened to be there? If you are thinking beyond the wedding and the honeymoon stage, you will evaluate the person you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with. Their goals, values, expectations, hobbies and what comes with them then see if that is what you actually want to be a part of.
Am I ready to really work for it?
The marriage not saving for the wedding. Marriage is not about everything falling into place and love or attraction figuring it out for you. You will have to work because it is not about you anymore, but you and this other person.
Attraction can fade after a time, love languishes-sometimes it is there sometimes you do not want to see that person. The work part comes in when you have to put up with all the negatives and the issues that eventually come up
So, I ask myself, am I ready to spend all that energy on the other person’s comforts as well (meaning you actually really need to like then not even be in love with them). Or should I just continue working for me, wait until I am whole before considering other people. You do not want to shortchange anyone.
Then there are the different stages of the relationship
I do not believe in love at first sight, more like lust at first sight. So there will be that phase of intense attraction. Then in-love and honeymoon stage. Then there is that stage that you start actually knowing about the other person and starting to doubt whether they are the one for you leading to altercations due to annoyances. If you do not give up at this stage, you mould each other to create room for each other’s issues or one of you decides to drop out, that is when divorce creeps up on you.
At this point that is when you will figure out if what you were preparing for was the wedding or the marriage.
Whether you were actually really ready to let the other person in your life or it was just a symptom, of something like flu and now it is gone. And you do not know what to do.
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