Why the silent treatment is bad for your relationship
04 May 2016, 14:33
Nairobi - I know an old couple; not old in their 80s
but old in their 40s. It is 2016 and the last time the wife talked to her
husband was in 2014.
The catch is that they live in the same
house. They even have breakfast and supper on the same table but no
conversation. If the man even tries to talk to her, she will not reply. She
will just look at him with detest and not reply.
You see this thing was her way of getting
her way ever since they were married. If he made her angry, she would stay mum
for a week, he would buy her a present or pay fees for once then the talking
was back on. If he went and got arrested, she would bail him out, silent treatment
for a month, and then after he did something like shop for her mom, they were
back at it again. This time though, the epic happened.
The man was formerly in a relationship when
he met her. The said wife, moved back to her home so he was a ‘free’ agent-sort
of; because he did not let her know.
This wife after many years of not making an appearance has moved back to
his village home and the man is letting her stay; basically not doing anything
So again-silent treatment!
It started as a one month thing with the
elders being brought in to tell the wife, they can’t chase the woman away. She
has kids for him. The man on the other hand assumed this is just their normal
thing so he has been waiting and so, here we are two years later and the woman
detests the man. She is still not talking to him other than ask him to leave
her house. I do not know how this will play out.
What have you gotten from this whole story?
Sex does not keep a relationship. Love and like does not keep a relationship.
Not only one thing keeps it, but an involvement of things. This here is a good
example of why proper foundation in the early beginnings of a marriage will
determine whether the marriage is miserable or a success. Every marriage needs
the right type of communication for it to actually work. If you have a problem,
say it. If you like something, say it and appreciate it. If you are angry, let
that person know why. It started as a small thing and now it is full blown. How
do you live with someone and not talk to them? That is how.
As a young wife, do not pull some small
stunts and think that you are winning; you might end up with something like the
lady I have mentioned. Results are short term but how about long term?
Don’t sweep things under the rag because it
sounds like this man learned to stay with this lady because she was ‘easy’. Do
you know how to be ‘easy’ as a wife? That is how-from getting arrested in his
little peccadillos, not paying fees and just ‘chilling’ as she does everything.
He stayed with this wife because he knew, no matter what he did, she would
never do anything. Just stay silent for a month and when he gets her a ‘petty’
gift he is back to grace land.
Sweeping things under the rag allows for
room for you to be exploited. Not speaking your mind in your marriage will lead
to you having a very miserable old age. You are now stuck with this person
because he learnt that you take care of him and not the other way around. You
cannot even chase him out of you house. You cannot continue living your life
because now after the kids are gone, your other kid is around.
Makes sure you have the right foundation.
Create the right system for your marriage to work. Don’t use shortcuts and be
surprised when they later come in to surprise you. You ignore a problem, trust me, it later pops
up. Like the former wife, she was ignored because she just was not there. Then
she came later like, ‘Surprise! Did you all miss me?’
That is what sweeping problems under the
rag costs you. Bet you, when this man dies, there is going to be a lot of