Why it is hard for most men
09 May 2016, 13:46
Nairobi - I was reading a post in the morning and it was talking to single mothers. Talking about if a man truly loves you, he will see your child as a part of you he should love and not a woman with another man’s child.
That is a very nice thought to have in the morning, especially if you are a single parent because everyone makes mistakes and if it is a one-time thing that you learnt from and made you a better decision maker, which is a good thing. But let us be honest; this people are not in Africa and the honest to God truth is, it is a lot easier for a man to accept a girl child than to accept a male child.
That is the honest truth and you know why.
Do you know what happens when a male child grows up and recognizes the fact that this man is not his father? That man will never be able to tell him anything- no matter what this man has done for him and that is what men remember.
Let this son become a teenager and now start having opinions. If he knows that the father wanted to get back with the mother-you know those problematic ones, he will always blame this man. No matter what you tell yourself, if a child’s father is still alive and no matter how stupid, ignorant, not mature type of a man he is, if he is alive; he will come first for that child and whomever you settle with comes a far second.
A man knows that, so when you see him trying to distant himself a bit, it is not because he hates that child but because he can see his life with having to deal with those two when the child grows up. This relationship is not about the mother and him but the mother, the son, him and if the father is alive, him as well. That is why the men ask you while you date (you know, the ones you can marry not the jokers); where is the father? Even if you say, you all agreed to live separate lives, blah, blah, blah and the men disappear after that, it is because of this.
It is only a bit easier for a man to accept another man’s son if that man is no longer around; you know what I mean? He is not around-he is dead. If the man is even alive and rejected the child, the woman will not tell her son that because you do not want the child growing up having rejection issues so you tell a lovely story and pray the man never comes back because you will always have a problem.
Then the other one, relatives who come to tell you, ‘Where is our son?’ Even if you and the father no longer deal with each other or she is a widow. Widows have problems because of this. The pesky relatives who come and tell you the son will always be ours and if a man tries to have a relationship with that woman, they will be there to remind him there was someone there before him-a man will not want to deal with this if he has other options; a woman who has got no such problems. He will leave you.
When people tell you, ‘you have baggage.’ This is what they are talking about; not the child but the issues that come with the child.
Since it is a male child, what will you do when the man you marry does not want to mention him in any part of his will? I will tell you what most mothers do. You do not let it go and give him what was yours. You start a tussle with the man on why your child cannot be set aside. Now the relationship is starting to crumble. A lot of women think short term when it comes to the relationship. They do not see far. You need to sit down and ask yourself these questions.
If you marry a man who has it going for him, you better not sit down and fold your hands thinking you have it made in life. Continue working hard for your son because what is yours is what will be his. You are the only one who will be able to make him feel equal to the other children you might have with this other man. No man wants to mention another man’s son in his will especially if that father is lurking. You are lucky if your baby father went on to make a life for himself but what most women deal with is the one who has no clue about his life. So when he sees she is married to a well to do man, he comes around to remind them he is kicking and alive. Do you think your husband will allow himself to get indirectly swindled by another man? Because that is how your man will think and that is why that push and pull battle you are trying to have with him, you will never win.
Work hard and give your child what he needs. If your husband does this for his, you take some out of your own pocket and give it to your son. That is the only way this works. Don’t be blind and say, ‘Oh, he loves me and he has said it will be alright. So I am happy.’ Yes you are. That is nice. Don’t be stupid. You. Are. The. Only. One. Who. Will. Make. Her. Child. Feel. Equal.
That is the only way you will be able to avoid a disaster as this child grows up. Don’t think marriage is the answer. It is not the end. You will have a lot of work to do as you now have a new life and keep having more children.
You constantly have to reassure your son and you will have to continue praying, your baby father never pops up. If he went and disappeared, pray he never shows up to ruin it for you and your child. If he is alive, pray he continues doing what he was doing that did not mess it up for you.
If he is the problematic ones, you now get it. Especially when it comes to the type of men who will make you a good husband, you now understand why they run away.
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