The reason you cannot allow yourself to take care of a man
04 May 2016, 16:54
Nairobi - After many years of eating a lot of dung from her husband, a woman decides
she is done. She now wants to part ways with the man but there is a twist. The
man, ‘hana mbele wala nyuma’ (he is totally clueless).
He has always worked
with the government, not like a 9-5 job but contracting. You know how those
work. You get some, you lose some. Thing is, the man has never been a good
planner. So, even if he got paid a million, he will drink the money, buy for
friends as well-not buy a bottle but buy a bar for the whole month until the
money ends, make bad purchases until he was back to square one.
She saw the man had a good business mind,
made money, so she saw potential and stayed. So every time he made bad
decisions, she would try sit down with the man to make him see a clearer and
wiser path but his reply would be, ‘You are frustrating my efforts.’ Now in his
60s, he has no work, no money to speak of, and no property-nothing. The wife
has been doing everything and now the kids are almost done with school and she
knows she cannot live the rest of her life with this man. She is tired because
she is now realizing, he was never going to change.
The reason I mentioned property is because
it is key to this story. This man does not even have his own bus fare to leave
the house. So now when this woman is asking him they part ways, he cannot even
afford rent. The man has nothing to show for his years and the wife is tired of
Now because this is an African couple, you
know this will have an added twist. The women are thinking, ‘she can just chase
him out of the house.’ No she cannot.
One of their taboos dictates that you
cannot forcefully evict your husband from the house unless he, himself leaves.
It is bad Karma or bad luck. Forget that he used to chase her out of his houses
that she completed every time he drunk all the money.
It is her house now but she cannot leave to
go and start over and be happy. It is not a rental. Obviously she cannot leave
her own house.
All those years she spent taking care of
this man, she created a bond because he knew every time he made a mistake, she
would pick up the pieces. She did not have a husband, she had a child. She
created room for this man not to grow up and be a man without having someone to
clean him up.
Don’t be stupid as a woman and tell
yourself how you are holding someone down. Let a man be a man and if he is not
one, let him learn to be one but not on your time because you see now that she
is ready to get away, she still cannot-Mtu
hana mbele wala nyuma.
This is a situation she created herself by
allowing this man to keep coming back into her life, every time he chased her
out and she learned to start living. Now in her 50s, poor marriage, no
happiness, just stress, a lot of anger and crying why she could not see change,
she still cannot get away.
I feel bad for her because as a woman you
always have a choice- a choice of men. You either pick the good one who listens
to you, respects you, appreciates you and is affectionate-then you have a happy
marriage. You might struggle a bit, every couple does but you know you have a
partner who at least cares about you.
Then there is the other choice, the one
most women pick; the one who brings struggle and misery in your life. Right
now, he has money, looks good, but what type of man he is. Money comes and goes
if you are not smart with it-like him. Money, with the wrong partner who cannot
listen to you but ask you not to strain
their progress will not make you happy. This is what a lot of you young
ladies will end up by the way. You like the flashy now.
Why do I feel bad for this woman? Because30-something
years on, that is like you have wasted your life. You are now nearing the grave
in my opinion and you have never been happy in something that could have made
you happy. If only you had made the right choice. Get away from that man and
look for one whom you can work with.
A smart man, with poor income will
eventually make it. A smart man living in a one-room right now will eventually
find a way to make a good life- Kimbia
kimbia tu ukifuata the bosses, funzwa adabu.
Then you want to bring your stress in some
man’s life when he figures himself out. If he no longer wants you but the sweet
young thing, he earned in.
Choose a man you do not have to make into a
man. When a man makes you toil for him and take care of the children alone, you
are not in a relationship but single with another grown up child.