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The reason you cannot allow yourself to take care of a man

04 May 2016, 16:54 Shakila Alivitsa

Nairobi - After many years of eating a lot of dung from her husband, a woman decides she is done. She now wants to part ways with the man but there is a twist. The man, ‘hana mbele wala nyuma’ (he is totally clueless).

He has always worked with the government, not like a 9-5 job but contracting. You know how those work. You get some, you lose some. Thing is, the man has never been a good planner. So, even if he got paid a million, he will drink the money, buy for friends as well-not buy a bottle but buy a bar for the whole month until the money ends, make bad purchases until he was back to square one.

She saw the man had a good business mind, made money, so she saw potential and stayed. So every time he made bad decisions, she would try sit down with the man to make him see a clearer and wiser path but his reply would be, ‘You are frustrating my efforts.’ Now in his 60s, he has no work, no money to speak of, and no property-nothing. The wife has been doing everything and now the kids are almost done with school and she knows she cannot live the rest of her life with this man. She is tired because she is now realizing, he was never going to change.

The reason I mentioned property is because it is key to this story. This man does not even have his own bus fare to leave the house. So now when this woman is asking him they part ways, he cannot even afford rent. The man has nothing to show for his years and the wife is tired of him.

Now because this is an African couple, you know this will have an added twist. The women are thinking, ‘she can just chase him out of the house.’ No she cannot.

One of their taboos dictates that you cannot forcefully evict your husband from the house unless he, himself leaves. It is bad Karma or bad luck. Forget that he used to chase her out of his houses that she completed every time he drunk all the money.

It is her house now but she cannot leave to go and start over and be happy. It is not a rental. Obviously she cannot leave her own house.

All those years she spent taking care of this man, she created a bond because he knew every time he made a mistake, she would pick up the pieces. She did not have a husband, she had a child. She created room for this man not to grow up and be a man without having someone to clean him up.

Don’t be stupid as a woman and tell yourself how you are holding someone down. Let a man be a man and if he is not one, let him learn to be one but not on your time because you see now that she is ready to get away, she still cannot-Mtu hana mbele wala nyuma.

This is a situation she created herself by allowing this man to keep coming back into her life, every time he chased her out and she learned to start living. Now in her 50s, poor marriage, no happiness, just stress, a lot of anger and crying why she could not see change, she still cannot get away.

I feel bad for her because as a woman you always have a choice- a choice of men. You either pick the good one who listens to you, respects you, appreciates you and is affectionate-then you have a happy marriage. You might struggle a bit, every couple does but you know you have a partner who at least cares about you.

Then there is the other choice, the one most women pick; the one who brings struggle and misery in your life. Right now, he has money, looks good, but what type of man he is. Money comes and goes if you are not smart with it-like him. Money, with the wrong partner who cannot listen to you but ask you not to strain their progress will not make you happy. This is what a lot of you young ladies will end up by the way. You like the flashy now.

Why do I feel bad for this woman? Because30-something years on, that is like you have wasted your life. You are now nearing the grave in my opinion and you have never been happy in something that could have made you happy. If only you had made the right choice. Get away from that man and look for one whom you can work with.

A smart man, with poor income will eventually make it. A smart man living in a one-room right now will eventually find a way to make a good life- Kimbia kimbia tu ukifuata the bosses, funzwa adabu.

Then you want to bring your stress in some man’s life when he figures himself out. If he no longer wants you but the sweet young thing, he earned in.

Choose a man you do not have to make into a man. When a man makes you toil for him and take care of the children alone, you are not in a relationship but single with another grown up child.

- MyNews24


Sex talk

27 October 2016, 10:03

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