“He’s not into spanking” and other dating dealbreakers
27 January 2016, 11:41
I have a few dating deal breakers, but my most amusing is the squidged-up nose. You know that ‘bad smell’ expression that borders on a sneer? I remember the last time I was presented with it: A third date with a guy who apparently couldn’t get his head around BDSM or tantra.
‘You’re into that?’ he asked. And then squidged his nose.
‘Yes. Yes I am.’
And that’s where the evening and our interaction ended. That nose squidge. It wasn’t worthwhile discussing any more with him, because what was there to discuss? Would I have to explain myself to him? Justify my sexual self? Convince him that I was ‘normal’ according to his world view?
Nope, nope and nope.
Thank heavens for that squidged-up nose, actually. Saved us so much time. If we were starting off on that step, the only place we were headed was a room at Heartbreak Motel – a room strewn with packets of unused condoms and rolls of loo paper to wipe away tears of frustration.
Thank God we got that out the way then and not five dates and more feels later.
It’s why I love taking on the big deal-breaker conversations early in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase.
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Broaching those topics that hold importance for you early on in the dating experience mean that you’re under no delusions about who and what you’re dealing with. Say what you want about forgoing harsh realities to enjoy the rosy hues of new love, I’d rather know upfront what kind of prick I’m dealing with once those thorns start showing.
For example, some of my deal breakers include not dating guys who are married, have a substance abuse problem, or are still pining a lost love. I don’t stick around people who are racist, homophobic or sexually conservative. Got rage issues? A snob? Nah thanks.
I got a few others, but you get the idea.
Of course, the trick with deal-breakers is not just about collecting information, it’s about responding to the information you receive. It’s not ‘deal makers’ after all. If you’re getting information that is contrary to what you want in your life you gotta break it off ASAP.
You know that thing about not being able to change people? Well you can’t change people. So it’s really rather best to be clear about what the deal is.
Your deal breakers could include health issues, kids, religion, finances, kinks, must like dogs… all big issues that need upfront honesty and some kind of value-alignment for a relationship to reach some kind of strength and depth.
I don’t see any reason to shy away from these conversations if the connection calls for it. If nothing else, it’ll help you manage your romantic, long-term expectations from a person you might like to get sexy with.
Or no-term expectations in the case of my nose-squidger.
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