Do you have a sex menu?
25 April 2016, 15:34
My first experience of anything like a ‘sex menu’ happened a few years back. It came in the form of a six-page questionnaire that was sent to me by Master D. He had sent this to figure out what plays he could set up, and the 135 questions covered every form of sexual interaction and demanded I consider my appetite for each: what did I like and not like, and what was I curious about.
It was my first concerted exploration of what I wanted in the arena of sexual delights. How did I feel about mummification or humiliation play? Not great. But some flogging and light domination, perfectly A-Ok.
As it turns out, on the scale of kinkiness – where ‘0’ is a Stepford Wife and ‘10’ is the Marquis de Sade – I hover somewhere close to a mild 4.
But it got me thinking about two things: the valuable act of questioning and delineating what you like and what you don’t like, and then what you do with that information.
Now, the first bit is easy. When you create your own sex menu, you’re basically listing every sexual and relational experience you’re into or curious about. But unlike a regular ‘this is what’s on offer’ menu, it’s also a list of everything you’re definitely not into (your ‘hard limits’).
So, an example of your sex menu might look like this (and I’m keeping it tame here):
• Things I’m into: oral sex, penetrative sex, cuddles, massages, open relationships.
• Things I’m curious about: threesomes, bondage, role-play.
• Things I’m definitely not into: humiliation play, monogamy, watersports.
The value in creating your sex menu for yourself is clear: you’re setting down your sexual and relational boundaries and you’re learning about yourself. And because it’s a private list, you can be as honest as you like; you might even explore online to find what stuff does or doesn’t appeal to you.
READ: Do you fart in front of your partner?
But the second bit – what to do with that information – is trickier for most.
I’m a firm believer in sharing this information with potential partners sooner rather than later. Many years ago I interviewed a Dom about the BDSM lifestyle. He believed that one of the main differences between ‘vanillas’ and kinksters was how quickly they shared important sexual information.
Kinksters, he said, came to the table with that info upfront to make sure they were compatible or at least amenable with the basics before getting emotionally involved. But vanillas? They would hide that personal information for years and then wonder why they felt sexually misunderstood and dissatisfied.
Can’t argue with that.
If you know what you like, you need to be upfront with that info to anyone you want to shag. If you’ve ticked off ‘must like dogs’ with your date, you need to be able to tick off ‘must like feather dusters and orgies’ if that’s your thing.
And you don’t need a six-page questionnaire to do that, just your personal sex menu … and maybe a second glass of wine.
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