Where is the male contraception pill?
02 October 2014, 09:37
Nairobi - When I first heard that a contraception pill for men would soon be available my first thought was, “About time!”
I was in a monogamous relationship, my girlfriend had had some nasty experiences with the pill (side effects like nausea, headache and breast tenderness tend to remove the reason why you were taking the pill in the first place) and condoms SUCK.
Yes, I know it's not the politically correct thing to say in this age of STIs and unwanted pregnancy (use them, kids!) but let's BE HONEST: condoms are only acceptable because they're a damn side better than not having sex at all.
So I couldn’t wait for the male contraceptive pill to arrive but, as it turns out, I had to because that was in 1990, and dude-pills are still a pipe dream.
Which is a Bad Thing, because for men who want to take responsibility for birth control in the bedroom, contraception choices are limited, shitty, and look like they were designed to make me cry like a child who asked for an ice cream and got a broccoli sorbet.
Apart from condoms, men’s health sites also list “outercourse”, which might include oral sex, but sounds more like having a sad wank when she happens to be in the same room.
Then there’s the withdrawal method, which sounds a lot like going to Disneyland, standing in a two hour queue for the rollercoaster, then going home as soon as you get to the front. It’s also one of the few methods approved by the Catholic Church, which is proof alone that it doesn’t work.
Unbelievably, some health sites include abstinence on their contraception list.
Seriously, fuck you guys. Abstinence is what we do BETWEEN sex, so you’re just changing the subject. It’s like including “never ever drive” on a list of road safety tips. Or advising men to learn how to kick themselves in the balls for whenever they get horny.
And speaking of ball-pain, there’s always the good old fashioned vasectomy. But like many men, I’m not really turned on by the idea of all that potentially painful cutting and cauterising that will permanently turn me into a barren husk of my former self.
I guess I can always wait a few years for the release of the temporary contraceptive Vasalgel, which they’ll INJECT INTO my BALL-BAG. And when it wears off, they do it again! Fun!
Just give us the damn pill already, you bastards.
But apparently, it’s not that easy.
Also read: KNUT opposes provision of condoms to students
Australian researcher Dr Sabatino Ventura has been working on the problem for 25 years, and only recently discovered a method for producing a pill that temporarily controls the movement of sperm – without turning the user into a chemical eunuch.
Ventura explains that the guy pill has taken so long to get this far because sperm is hard to control.
Pills for women only have to deal with one egg per month. Men, on the other hand, produce a thousand swimmers a second. Yes, we’re that freaking awesome.
The word is that the research is still in the early stage and we’ll have to wait five to 10 years before we see the pills hit the shelves. But I’m not too optimistic.
The first time I heard that five to 10 years story it was back in 1990, so I can’t help thinking that by the time it’s available, the only guy pill I’ll need will be Viagra.