Get out of that sex rut
09 January 2015, 12:58
We've all been there at some point – when the sex in our relationship becomes a bit boring, a bit routine or a bit uninteresting.
You so often read articles on how to "spice up your sex life" but few articles actually explain why this might have happened or offer you longer lasting solutions.
When it comes to reinventing your sexual routine, it’s not just about trying something new, but more about assessing what’s old.
Stages of our sexual relationship
1. There’s excitement and passion
2. There’s romance and intimacy
3. Then comfort
4. Then companionship
We all want to stay in the first two stages, but more often than not we find ourselves in the last two, especially in long term relationship
Sexual ruts and routines
We often get in a set routine with sex and foreplay – maybe kissing, touch, mouths, intercourse, cuddling. This routine can become boring and tried. A lot of my work is around helping couples reinvent their sexual routine
So how can couples reinvent the sexual routine? Where do we start?
1. Talking about sex
Couples who talk about sex have more sex, but a lot of people fear the conversation or don’t know how to have it.
Be sensitive, honest but gentle, and instead of asking for less of something ask for more of it – have sexual empathy.
Sexually empathic couples process and communicate their fantasies in healthy, relaxed ways and consequently maintain lasting satisfaction in their relationships
Generally, women need more emotion, men need more physical – It is important to compromise. It is also important to talk about your needs, writing them down can be a good way to start
Men’s needs: physical connection, pleasuring a partner, appreciation, and action
Women’s needs: physical affection, build up, emotional connection, safety and permission
Exchange your fantasies but remember to start slow. Difference between love and desire – love is about having, desire is about wanting
2. Changing the type of sex we have
· Starts outside of the bedroom – definition of foreplay
· Make an effort to show each other that you want each other – messages, surprises, and gestures.
· Introduce erotic massage, but make a “no sex” rule after this happens so that you rather enjoy the intimacy and pleasure of each other’s bodies and not the pressure to perform and have sex.
· You don’t have to try something totally new and outrageous – simply doing something you've always done differently or adding in something simple can make a big difference.
· It doesn't always have to be about sex – being sensually generous to our partners make them feel wanted.
· Ideas – a new lubricant or massage oil, candles, lingerie, sex in the shower or on the couch, trying a new position once a week, date night and erotic surprise.