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Dealing with an unexpected break-up

21 November 2014, 10:31 Manni Bradshaw

Nairobi - Getting over someone you thought you had a connection with is one of life's greatest challenges.

Just when you think you've found that special someone worth committing the rest of your life to, the same careless cunt goes ahead and breaks your heart.

The big “C”

No matter what the circumstance, the consequences are usually the same...catastrophic, especially when the asshole in question doesn't even have the courtesy to clarify the confusion he left behind.

It can take months and even years to restore the damage caused by heartbreak and while most of us eventually find a way of moving on, it all boils down to one question...can we let go without the comfort of closure?

Why oh why do we keep asking ourselves the one question that we know we'll never get a straight answer to? Instead we choose to complicate our lives by chasing after some kind of reason as to why things didn't work out.

Is it so impossible to just accept things the way they are? Do we secretly enjoy the attention that comes with wallowing in our own self-pity?

Far worse can happen to a person so why do we convince ourselves that closure is the only way forward?

Is it because our confidence in love from that day on is constantly questioned or is it because we have not successfully managed to get past the hurt, the denial and the anger?    


A long time ago I was obsessed with my ex. He had some kind of power over me that to this day I still cannot explain. Perhaps it was just an infatuation but for nearly seven years I was stuck wondering why things never worked out between us.

It hindered many chances of moving onto new relationships. Instead of embracing the many wonderful men in between, I found myself asking questions like why was I not good enough for him and why was he seeing other people?

Was there still a chance of winning him back?

Also read: How to deal with the bad break-up

The amount of noise circling my head was like cancer slowly attacking my body.

There were many occasions where I thought I had finally made a full recovery, telling myself that I no longer cared but every time I caught a glimpse of him, I would relapse. Of all the pubs in the entire world, he had to go and walk into mine.

The last time I saw BIG was earlier this year at a family function. As I saw him staring at me from across the room I anticipated the flurry of questions that I had grown so accustomed to but this time, nothing.

For the first time I was at peace with the situation and saw it for what it was...an extremely compatible guy unwilling to commit to someone as fabulous as me.

Amidst the why, the who and the how, I managed to draw my own conclusion without any assistance required. Any question that I had ever had about him or our failed relationship had been silenced all because the "why" no longer seemed relevant.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

These are the five crucial stages that one has to go through in order to overcome the pain of losing a loved one. Why and how did this happen to me; sleepless nights; the sudden urge to punch happy people in the face.

It's all part of the process that comes with dealing with an unexpected break up. As soul destroying as the initial steps may be, it is imperative to go through all the motions.

What no one tells you is that there is a very bright light at the end of this very dark tunnel, a certain catharsis that can only come when we truly learn to let go of the question "why".

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- Women24


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