Crappest CVs ever
08 November 2014, 11:17
This excerpt from Crap CVs by Jenny Crompton has been published with permission from Penguin Books SA and is available from all leading stores.
About the book
“Application for Employment
I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and hereby apply for the replacement of the deceased manager.
Each time I apply for a job, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case I have caught you red-handed and you have no excuse because I even attended the funeral to be sure that he was truly dead and buried before applying.
Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV and his death certificate.”
Crap CVs is a hilarious compilation of the worst job applications imaginable, including overly honest cover letters, embarrassing typos, mortifying personal revelations, awkward interview questions, misplaced self-confidence, self-aggrandising gibberish, blatant truth-twisting and, of course, outright lies.
You’re probably reading a lot of applications. And you’re probably not enjoying yourself. I’m writing this cover letter, and I’m not enjoying myself either.
So, let me cut to the chase. I won’t pretend that your company’s mission is my passion, but I do think sales are quite interesting.
If you hire me, I’ll show up for the hours you expect me to 99 per cent of the time – which, let’s face it, already puts me ahead of most other applicants.
I was well liked at college, and you know the importance of that for sales. I’m willing to bet you won’t like the personality of most of the people who appear to be ‘qualified’ for this entry-level position, based on the fact that if they’ve had time to meet the qualifications for this job by the time they graduated college, they likely have no social skills.
As someone who was voted ‘Life of the Party’ both in high school and in my fraternity, you won’t have to worry about hiring some stiff loser who will poorly represent the youthful image of your company, or any other worries you might have about your new hire being a cultural fit.
You’ll notice that I haven’t talked about what skills I have yet. Do I honestly need to?
I went to an elite institution and we all know I’ll figure out how to use whatever programs you’d like me to toil away on. Working at your company isn’t rocket science. Get back to me if you’re looking for someone you’ll actually enjoy working with.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing this cover letter not because I am desperate to work for an esteemed corporation such as yours, but because I’m just desperate. Period. For the sake of my sanity, please hire me.
I’m sure I must have at least one redeeming quality that makes me slightly qualified for this position. Thank you for your consideration – or for at least pretending to review my CV.
**Enclosed please find my resume. You mention in your ad that you require a writing sample, but I send out at least fifty resumes a week, and writing samples are expensive.
Re: summer internship
My name is Pablo Mustafa. I am a former painting assistant to Jesus Christ and Takashi Murakami.
I am twenty-three years old and as such would love to work for a summer sweeping floors and filing, despite my college education at Oxford and my noble upbringing.
Furthermore I would further deprave myself and my skills by working for free. Thank you and I look forward to our interview.
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