Asking about details and history should not be a one-time occasion. Your husband should be willing to answer questions whenever you have them and over and over again.
3. Establish a rule with your husband that you are entitled to ask about his whereabouts and proof of them at any time
Although it is not healthy for you to make a full-time job of monitoring your husband (and won’t do any good as a way of controlling his behaviour), there will be times when circumstances make you uncertain of his truthfulness. Maybe it is the tone of his voice or the strangeness of the plan. On one hand, you could say nothing and just ‘see what happens’. Will your suspicions prove to be true? This strategy of waiting often makes wives feel powerless and results in them being preoccupied with their husbands’ behaviour.
On the other hand, you could approach your husband and share your concerns and express your need for verification. You have probably had a history of pushing away suspicious thoughts and labelling them as ridiculous, or of just having no clue that something was going on. Often, to hide your suspicions feels like you are sticking your head in the sand.
Your husband has to understand that your trust has been shattered and the only way to rebuild it is to weather the incidents where red flags are raised, even if they’re nothing more than false alarms. This goes a long way towards recalibrating your nervous system till you realise you can feel uncomfortable but your husband can still be telling the truth. Trust will strengthen after a long string of these affirming incidents occur.
4. Require that your husband clean up his mess
Your husband needs to terminate contact with all people, sites, services and apps that are connected to his cheating behaviour. Don’t hesitate to have him show you that he has completed his tasks or terminations. You can even ask him to end things in front of you.
5. You and your husband should both get tested for STDs
No matter what he says, your health has been placed at risk. Don’t only rely on just him getting tested. Get yourself tested for everything as well. It is often embarrassing to reveal your husband’s infidelity to your doctor. But you need to put yourself first and make taking care of yourself a priority.
6. Return to sexual intimacy slowly and gradually
Some women desire to reconnect with their husband and create security for themselves by being sexually intimate. Others feel so hurt and repulsed by what has gone on that they cannot fathom being sexual and are haunted by intrusive images of their husband with other women.
My best advice is for you to take time to see what is right for you. The most important thing is for you and your husband to rebuild your trust and connection and, sometimes, being physically intimate can interfere with the communication that needs to happen to slowly heal the wounds.
7. Seek out couples counselling if this feels like too much
You may find that, as a couple, you need help. Infidelity tears the fabric of the relationship and, sometimes, you need a mental health professional to guide you through the healing process. This is especially true when wives have experienced more than once occasion of discovering their husband’s infidelity. It is exponentially difficult in these situations for wives to believe that their husbands are remorseful, allow themselves to trust once more, and, later, find they’ve been duped again.
This is by no means a comprehensive list of all that needs to be done to heal from infidelity. It is just a start to get wives on the best track toward healing, should they want to stay in the relationship. That is the key. To stay means to find out if you are able to overcome the betrayal, to rediscover who your husband is and to reassess whether the relationship is right for you.
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