4 seriously stupid sex positions
06 October 2014, 08:17
Nairobi - No Sex Editor worth her salt could claim that the following positions will necessarily make the earth move... But if you're a limber little narcissist and you feel like showing off a bit, give these a try. Just don’t break anything...
The Sacred Arch:
You bend over backwards, (literally!) and put your hands on the floor for support. To keep your back from breaking and to keep from falling on your head – and, of course, to give him access to your "sacred cave" – you wrap one leg around his waist as he penetrates.
Also read: The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women
If you do this right, it'll look like a fight scene from The Matrix and seeing yourself look so cool is the only thing that could possibly make you come.
The Flying Fish:
He sits on a block – yes, you'll need these types of props so pop over to your closest drama studio – while she goes into the flying position. "She goes into the flying position" means that you sit on his lap and holding onto his wrists, you lean your torso forward while lifting your legs parallel to the floor, squeezing with your thighs to hold on. This means you’ll be flying.
How you’ll be having actual sex beats me.
Blossom on the Hillside:
He lies on his back and pushes up, supporting himself on his arms and toes (like an inverted push up. He needs to keep his body stiff as a plank. You straddle him, just to add some extra weight to make it a bit harder for him. But, no slacking off for you! You need to squat across his pelvis, keeping your legs in a perfect 90 degree angle. Now you can take bets as to who sinks to the floor first.
When your thighs eventually give out you both tell each other how stupid you are for making sex so difficult.
He stands with his back against the wall. She stands on her hands and rests her feet against the wall, legs bent. He holds her hips in an attempt to prevent her from falling on her head. The head rush is nice, but not nice enough to make up for the injuries sustained when the root of the penis tears, you get dropped on your head and you’re both lying crumpled in a heap in a pool of blood.