12 ways Hollywood movies have lied to us
19 December 2015, 10:27
I love a good movie. Who doesn't? You can escape into a world filled with whirlwind romances, high speed car chases, and adorable fish who have memory problems and can speak whale.
The movies we watch form part of us. They become us. We reference them constantly (I still use the 'boo, you whore' line from Mean Girls), and sometimes we do actually learn real, and useful things.
At least, I do.
And, you have to admit, you would judge your new boyfriend a little bit (no matter how hot he is) if he said that Sharknado was better than anything Quentin Tarantino did in the '90s (just typing that sentence was painful), or the reason Leo DiCaprio has never won an Oscar is because he's a crap actor.
But, all that aside, our favourite films can lie to us. In fact, they have lied to us. Because real life has no retakes, or perfect lighting. So here's a list of things we've all been made to believe but are actually LIES. LIES, I TELL YOU!
1. Shopping for that perfect first date outfit is seldom that much fun or very relaxing.
Especially if you're not a size 0 or Carrie Bradshaw.
2. Your first time will probably be bad. It will not cause an amazingly cheesy song to reach it's climax (pun sort of intended) while he looks deeply into your eyes and says something like "your eyes are like pools of water that rinse my soul".
But if this has happened to you, womankind needs to get together for a glass of wine and listen to this story.
3. A makeover will not solve everything and make you the belle of the ball, or guarantee you that job/guy/or cheerleading trophy.
But you (hopefully) look freakin' fabulous, and be paid quite a bit of attention in the local watering hole or nightclub.
4. When you're an adult, you will probably never get to play a giant piano by jumping on the keys
But Tom Hanks got to do it at least twice (lucky!), and then Sandra Bullock (in heels, nogal) got to join him on this episode of the Jonathan Ross show.
5. Love at first sight does not happen all the time. Kylie lied to you.
And, chances are, if the guy finds out you're a mermaid/witch/vampire princess/crazy stalker, he's not going to want to marry you four days later.
6. A really great kiss in the rain or after a big dance number is, unfortunately, not a sure fire way of figuring out if this guy is The One or even just worth having a first date with.
But you can still have fun pretending it is.
7. Shower sex can be great, but also a bit slippery, and possibly very embarrassing if you have to tell this story to your doctor because there's no other way to explain how your boyfriend broke his (use your imagination here)
Plus, if you have a weave, or just got your hair did, you're gonna be having a very unsexy time in that shower cap.
8. As all women who have children will tell you, labour does not end after a few minutes, and new mothers are not always super cheery afterwards.
Not even if you're a Kardashian and can literally pull a baby out of your vagina. No really. Look at this video.
9. Pressing 5 buttons on a computer should be able to reveal the owner's darkest secrets, and you can copy those secrets onto a CD or flash drive in 10 seconds, right?
WRONG! Steve Jobs laughs at you.
10. Your hair is not perfect in the morning. Your breath does smell. And your make up is probably smeared onto the pillow.
Deal with it.
11. Losing weight takes longer than a 2 minute montage of scenes.
Even though we wish it was this easy.
12. Everyone in America's number doesn't start with 555.
The 555 code is actually set aside for use in movies. That's why the area code's always the same even if they live in two completely different parts of the country