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12 sex fails

28 November 2015, 16:21

Abuja - It would be nice if we were all constantly brimming with unrequited passion, but we’re not. Keeping the mood once you’ve caught it is vital.

1. Bad breath.
While funky arm pits can be a turn on and sweat a useful lubricant, bad breath is never cool. Keep breath mints in your bedside drawer at all times, along with the condoms. Also follow the basic rule: if you’re not sure, your breath is probably a bit dodge. Oh, and minty lube might work in a pinch.

2. Washing machine kissing.

I have never found someone who actually likes a tongue tonsil scrubbing. You? Exactly. Keep your tongue where you can still feel it. And start slow. You can’t go wrong with a slow, tension-building snoglet.

3. Stampeding south
One of my favourite lines ever is from The Meaning of Life is when the Cleese school master character is teaching sexual education, with the help of his wife.

“No need to go stampeding for the clitoris, boy, give the girl a KISS!”

My thoughts exactly.

4. Terrible music

This is obviously quite subjective, so I asked my Twitterstream to give a few examples. They suggest avoiding, inter alia:
-    The Macarena
-    ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother’
-    ‘Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?’
-    ‘I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie World...’
-    ‘Pump up the Jam’
-    ‘Like a Virgin’

You get the picture.

5. Farting
Actually, on second thought, that might actually be quite a sweet ice-breaker, if you’re both nice and it doesn’t smell too bad.

6. The phone
Tell me you don’t answer the phone during sex. A friend once told me a guy texted while she was going down on him, but I hope that was just a horribly bad dream.

7. The TV, the laptop, the iPad...
Again, all totally unacceptable. Unless of course, you are porn folk. Then hey, go right ahead.

8. Children knocking on the door
Or, much much worse, children STANDING IN THE DOORWAY.

9. Inappropriate gestures
So obvious, yet such a regular passion killer, possibly because filters are rarely at optimum setting while turned on.  Rule of thumb? Don’t compare anything to your thumb. Or shrug. Or – and I can’t stress this enough – ROLL YOUR EYES.

10. Cats
It’s creepy to have sex with a cat in the room, dude. It just is.

11. Snorting
Many, many animal like noises are sexy in the bedroom. Snorting is not one of them.

12. Snoring
Like snorting, snoring is never good.

Got any bedroom mood killers you’d like to add? Do so, below.

- Health24

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