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10 kinds of drunkards that exist

04 December 2014, 10:59

What’s better than celebrating the union of two people with good spirits and lots of alcohol?

It’s only natural, if you ask me.

But, if you’re anything like me, then you’re probably not into the smoochy, lovey-dovey atmosphere prevalent at shindigs like this. So, being the clever girl that I am, I have devised an awesome pastime for that awkward kissy face stage couples go through during weddings that make you go bleh...

Also Read: The 6 stages of getting drunk

The game is quite simple actually.

All you have to do is find yourself an inconspicuous spot to spy from. Gather some of your already tipsy girlfriends, have a drink handy, bring a sense of humor and let the good times roll – and fall flat on its face.

I spy:

The in denial drunk

“No, I don’t need help walking,” is what you will often hear being uttered from this drunk's lips. Although clearly wasted, they won’t ever admit to being hammered under any circumstance. They will refuse any help offered which -more times than not - ends up with their faces meeting the floor in a loud Plop!

The emotional drunk

They will choose the most inconvenient time to unleash their tears. It may be in the middle of the wedding march or right before the speeches are made, the emotional drunk waits for no invitation. Of course, by the next morning nothing will be recalled due to a bout of ‘amnesia’.

The aggressive drunk

You will normally recognise the aggressive drunk by the hissy fit they would create for something as simple as a spilt drink. They are ready to go from zero to “I will kick your ass,” in 0.2 seconds. Beware of provoking this hammered beast, or you will get entangled in the crazy with not so much as a slurry apology.

The drunk dialler

I can totally picture some women face-palming themselves right now. Yes, we all committed this crime at some stage. All you need is an epiphany, a Blackberry with airtime and so begins the embarrassing let-the-earth-swallow-me-up confessions.

The flasher

Sometimes when you are drinking, you get hot. Some people take this to the extreme when they want to party with their birthday suits. In my observations based on hen and ladies nights out, the flasher normally emerges after a shit load of tequila and a dare.

The make-out bandit

This type of drunk normally attracts its predator, the aggressive drunk, with its tongue-sucking tendencies. What occasionally happens is the make-out bandit kisses the boyfriend of the emotional drunk who then turns into the aggressive drunk. The rest is a blur of broken glasses, disregarded shoes and cat-like cries.

The sleepy drunk

After just one or two drinks they pass out in a corner somewhere for the rest of the evening. Sometimes, snoring above the band’s music...

The loud drunk

They love to emphasise their points by arguing very loudly. The emotional drunk often turns into the loud drunk at a later stage.

The spiller

If you’ve decided to wear your favourite camel coloured dress, consider it dead when the spiller manages to pour the contents of his red wine on you. They can’t walk on straight flat surfaces and turn into the sleepy drunk later on.

Last but not least...

The happy-go-lucky drunk

They see the bright side of everything, they grin from ear to ear and love to be the center of attention. They bring the fun and manages to make everyone else around them wasted.

They are the life of the party. And, are often single.

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- Women24

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